Fuck. This. in Earth and Sky

Get up early. Starbucks, grocery shopping, breakfast, meal prep. Have some downtime so I check my phone. 2 missed calls. One from gram, one from my dad. Gram’s call has a voicemail.

“Call me. I have something to tell you.”

Awesome. I know it’s about my mother. I sit down, I call her.

“Are you home?”

“Yes”

“Okay, I hate to have to tell you this, but your mother is in the hospital. She went to bed with a knife last night and decided to walk herself to the ER at 1:30 in the morning because she planned on using it on herself or on your father.”

“Okay. Good. Thanks.”

I call my dad. He’s miserable. Angry, yelling, his usual self. He starts bitching about how she took his headphones and his ipod. I tell him I’ll take a personal day and see her and I’ll bring his stuff back. I call the hospital, I talk to mom, I go see her.

I spent all day with her. Listening to her blame everyone under the Sun for her problems. My father, her father, my brother, her mother.... literally everyone. And I watched her take 2 tablets of Oxycodone right in front of me. Just like that. They offer, she jumped.

The whole day she had been telling me about why she came to the hospital and how she refused to go to a detox center because they wont fix anything and blah blah and it took my aunt calling me and talking to me to realize what the fuck is really going on.

My mom is med seeking, and I didn’t even consider that.

I actually believed her bullshit. I believed that she was sick and determined to get better. I believed that she listened to my advice, that she really wanted to get some help, and that she wanted to be better not just for me and the baby, but for herself.

But as soon as my aunt mentioned med seeking, I knew immediately… that’s what this whole fucking thing is about. She’s been without narcotics for 2 weeks and she doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. She’s tapping out. Throwing in the towel.

I just called the psych ward she was admitted to and told them not to give her narcotics because she’s been without them for 2 weeks and she WILL look for a script.
I hope she signs a release of information for me. I need to speak with her doctors about her.

Fuck me. Why do I even give a shit anymore?

To be honest, I’m really starting not to.