threw it away in a reflection

‘i’m not really here, you know.”

she said it without malice, and without her eyes on me. i nodded, not looking up. there had been a mantra building up within me for so long, i felt like it threatened to drown everything and everyone else out. some articulation. some prose.

“you don’t mean that”

she was beginning to annoy me, and maybe just because i knew she was right. i could walk to her, throw my arm around the low of her back, and pull her up into me. i could kiss her and all the old memories of those lips and the way they tasted after a long night of fighting, fucking and tears would come flying back. i could do it, and she would follow. and in the morning we would be

in the very same place

not going forward, not going back

i looked up. she wasn’t looking at me but i could tell she was crying. she felt my eyes on her and turned her back. in self preservation.

“i know, i know. cue the rain. they never see your tears in the rain scene......”

she laughed, as she said it. she laughed, because we both knew if she didn’t, i’d open my eyes and she would be

gone

[damn eyes]