06-18-2015 in Regular Stuff

Wow. I got comments. A lot of comments. 28 to be exact! To be fair, not every one was a comment on my entry, some were in response to comments I had left on their entry. But still, it made me really happy. It kinda felt like the old OD days. I even reconnected with a diarist I had read and enjoyed for years, and hadn’t realized she was writing here.

I went in to the Dr. today and left another urine sample. I just pray it all comes out fine. I hate health related scares. Of course everyone does. But it just reminds you how important good health is. I don’t have good health. I have diabetes and hypertension, both controlled by medicine. I have a history of lung problems including blood clots. I am grossly overweight. I don’t exercise and I have spent many years abusing my body. Drugs, alcohols, excessive food and cigarettes really take a toll on you. I am lucky to be as healthy as I am and I know it.

The thing is, most of this would be helped if I lost weight. I am one of those people who thinks about their weight, their size and their body image, every single day. I have never been complacent with my weight even when Iwas young and certainly not now. I’ve never been one of those people who accepts themselves and screw what anyone else thinks. I have never embraced the idea of being a big beautiful woman. God bless those that are comfortable with their bodies no matter what the scale says.

So why don’t I just lose weight and get it over with, you might wonder. Well I have. Many times. Many diets. And in the end, I always fail. I believe this is yet another way my addictive nature causes me pain. People might wonder how could I have given up alcohol? Cigarettes? And crack cocaine?

The thing is, I have to give something up completely if I am to be successful. Obviously you can’t give up food completely. I haven’t really tried to lose weight for the last few years. It’s like I just gave up. The last time I tried, I lost almost 65 lbs. I was so damn focused. Sweets are my thing. I love them so much, all of them. Cakes especially. But let me tell you, you couldn’t have paid me to put a bite of sugar in my mouth during that time. I went to three parties that summer that had cake, bakery cake at that, and I didn’t even dip into the frosting. God I wish I could ge that kind of determination to come back. I just need to get started. As for exercise, I can’t do much. My breathing is bad (I’m on oxygen 24/7). I can walk short distances but even though I can stop and catch my breath, my back will be killing me because of the weight. I’m a mess. I just don’t know how it ever came to this point.

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I am considering weight loss surgery. I have always been adamantly against it. I thought it was a cop out but it’s not. It takes just as much determination and will power as it does without surgery. You have to want it bad. I talked it over with my Dr and she is all for it. She gave me the name of a surgeon she likes and I’m going to at least make an appointment. We shall see what happens.

Well I’m tired. I’ll write again soon.

Last updated June 18, 2015