I’m still having some emotional days, and I know that’s normal. Even though I’ve known for almost 14 years the decision to start the transition was just made a week ago, not even a week ago. I get emotional over little things, the thought of his voice changing, his chest hair being gone, him not having facial hair, etc. Little things but I can cope with all of that.
I was reading a post on Reddit in the support forum about a woman that was having issues with her spouse wanting PIV sex. And for some reason that struck a cord with me, will that change? Of course it will. But to what extent? I crave that closeness, and I know there are plenty of ways to be intimate and will make it work somehow, for some reason that scares me, the possibility of never having PIV sex again. He said I shouldn’t worry that he doesn’t have issues with that part of his body, though some day he may want to go down the path of bottom surgery. And I’m okay with that too. It’s really just going to be an adjusting phase for all of it, learning a new body.
We haven’t been intimate since the decision was made, I don’t think it’s on purpose just kind of went to the way side. I’d asked a few times for him to shower with me but he didn’t realize that’s what I was asking and turned me down. I had a rough night last night crying to myself thinking he wasn’t finding me attractive now, or that he had no interest in using his body or touching mine. And of course I was just overreacting. I told him how I was feeling today about him turning me down for showers and he said he didn’t even realize I was asking. Duh, I guess I should be more obvious when I ask and not just “Do you want to shower?” I’ll add, with me from now on.
I’m really excited and happy for him, And I’ll be using male pronouns until he asks me to switch. We’ve been talking about new names, and I had a dream 3 weeks ago that he transitioned and her name was Ashlynn Marie, we looked up the meaning of Ashlyn and it meant dream and goals or something along those lines. There are a few other names up in the air, I’m happy that he’s letting me in on helping to choose, after all I did name 4 kids ;)!
I’m also excited about other aspects that I know are still quite a ways down the road like helping him with makeup, and picking out clothes and helping him learn how to “Girl” as he says. I told him I’m not always very good at girl mode myself lol.
Oh! I got invited to a private facebook group via the Reddit support group for women with mtf spouses, it makes me feel happy knowing I’ll have a group of women I can turn to who have been through this journey or are going through this journey for support and questions. I already asked today about how to talk to our kids about it. And we’ve decided we’ll have him talk to each of them one on one and explain what being transgender is in the best way he can to help them understand, and then we’ll just let them know if they have any questions ever they can come to either of us and to not be ashamed or feel like it’s something they need to hide. We’ll talk to them after my Mom, Sister and Nephew move out as they don’t know yet and we’re not ready for them to know.
There’s a new show coming on ABC Family called “Becoming Us” it’s about Transgender. I’m actually pretty excited about it! It comes on Mondays at 8pm I think, I watched the premier episode on facebook tonight and it had me tearing up.
I guess that’s all for tonight.
-Mindy
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