Vacation makes me think. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

So I have been on vacation. I left pretty much straight from work on Friday to drive down to the outer banks. So it’s been a few days down here so far. And as usual, without the distractions of my fuvked up family life, social life, and worklife…I think far too much. Everything just floods in so easily without all the distractions. I mean I am relaxing and loving this vacation. The weather is great,the water is great, I’ve eaten like 4 quality steaks. A lovely breakfast each morning. It’s been great. But like I said the thoughts just flood in.

Like I hate to say it but, She pops into my mind so easily. We used to talk every single day. Whenever something was on her min, she would come to me. If something happened she would tell me immediately. If she was upset. ..me. regardless of the time of day. Hell I remember when she was upset over the fact that the ads hole she’s dating now, and apparently they are moving into an apartment together, was causing her to leave the job she was at.and she was sad because she loved her job and was going to miss all the kids she had bonded with. She messaged me late at night with a sad face and the typical “Kyle please answer me” and you know I cheered her up, like I do, and I’m sure I probably talked about how a relationship shouldn’t cause her to be unhappy or force her to leave something she loves. And eventually we were talking normally and joking and shit and I mentioned how I haven’t watched American horror story yet. So we ended up talking while sorta marathoning through most of the first season. And to be flat out honest....I can’t watch American horror story because it reminds me of her. Like I see the title and I remember that night. I can’t watch Bates Hotel…is that what it’s called? The prequel series to psycho? Yeah because I got her to watch Psycho because it is incredible, and she didn’t like it, but she likes bates hotel. But just everything reminds me of her. How close were and shit and only to have it turn out like this, like what the fuck. At the very least I deserve some kind of closure. Some kind of anything. Anything more than idk, or disappearing, or anything that had happened. After everything with her…something. I mean fuck…I haven’t had closure in any relationship with someone I loved. Amber Fucking cheated and got knocked up and vanished. Tried to come back sorta for a few days because she fucked, had a kid, and married an asshole. And vanished again. I think I noticed they had another kid.
Jenn…yeah, you all know that tale. Faked her Fucking death and moved away. Had her brother tell me she passed on and moved. And of course who found her on the other side of the country…bitty.
K. I think I called her K. Her name was kyla. Had a summer fling I guess. Hung out,had some good times. Ironically in the process of having good times with her, ended up making memories with bitty too. Like her standing in the fire and catching her pants leg on fire, and my pushing her down and putting it out with my bare hands. Something I think really shows something doesn’t it? I mean out of everyone there was the only one that acted. They all kinds watched and froze. Now she didn’t like burst in to flames or anything but she was spinning and kicking and it wasn’t going out and it was just the bottom of her jeans, but still. Or how about her being upset and sitting on my lap. Her later telling me how everything was bad and how her sitting on my lap made her feel safe shit. Just…you know I think about everything with her and it’s just like…I know I didn’t imagine this. There was something there. I can’t see any way there wasnt. Like I remember just about everything with her. And I know I shouldnt. I should be burning the bridge, dumping the memories, and forgetting she exists. But I just cant. It’s been a long time of me trying to. And you know what, I even got jsssmine’s to talk to me again, and hopefully I will get to go see her later this year. She’s amazing. No bullshit.very straight forward. Likes the same shit as me, agrees that people are shit. The list goes on.but at the same time, I feel kind of shit ty because I can’t forget or get over bitty. I…I hate to admit it, but I think I still love her. How stupid is that? To love someone that has done this sht. Like wtf is wrong with me? Am I that much of a fool to believe that she thinks about me? Misses me? Yeah, it is. It’s stupid. Completely irrational. And far too optimistic. I need to just say fuck it and shut the door. But how can i? I promised that I would be there if she needs me. How do I close that door. I sent her a message the other day saying something along the lines of, “just thought I I’d give you the decency to let you know I am blocking you on here (facebook). I’ll leave kik on my phone as an open door. I wish I could’ve had some kind of closure, but whatever” so, I blocked her. No telling if she got it or what, but I shouldnt care. But of course I do. Because I am me. I care too damn much. I know she is better than tnis. That she’s not this fucked up. I know I meant something to her. Shoulders I just accept that as my closure? I mattered. I know I did. But despite that, she still bailed. Walked away from me. Left me. Abandoned me. Tossed me aside like a piece of trash when in actuality I was 24 karat gold. I just don’t see how I can accept that as closure. I mean for fucks sake the last time we talked she said that there wasn’t any spark there with him anymore and that he was more of a daily routine that she got used to than an actual boyfriend. And then she gets an apartment with
him? Yeah. Makes sense. I doubt she ever read that long message I sent awhile back. I mean it only took her like 3 weeks to actually “see” it. Doubt she read it. Which is insulting. Do you have any idea how insulting it is, to just be ignored, and dropped like this, and just flat out thrown out, when you believe and know with every fiber of your being that her and I were not “just friends” as much h ad she would probably like to claim thst. There was something more between us.
I read a article not too long ago about how loving someone and shit isn’t always clean, or easy, or pretty. Which I have always said. But it said something along the lines of sometimes you won’t talk for a long time. You will hate each other. Not talk. Etc. Etc. But that when you matter to someone they always come back and it’s always kind of easy to get back into each others lives. And all that did was remind me how easily her and I always made up and shit. And that puts the thought that that she may come back, but again at the same time do I want her to? Shouldn’t I just put some kind of finality to this whole thing? I mean it’s
Been at least 2 months since she has even actually “seen” one of my messages. So like.....clearly I mean nothing to her now. I really should accept that. I just hate it. I hate that I can’t get her out of my head. I hate it. She meant…means?,,,seen Much and to just be discarded like this Fucking hurts like a mother fucker. And you all know me I’m not the cry and mope type when it comes to this pain. I’m the bury it down and then one day I’ll die. I’ll speak about it and shit, and vent it out and what not, but I don’t let it hold me back much. I grin and bear it. I tuck my head and charge through. Move forward all the while, being reminded of these things and just daggers…right into my chest…every time.

Should I say anything else to her? Idk what to do. I just....hey can’t anything ever go my way? Just one time get a lucky break, and end up in a decent relationship. Jassmine lives forever away. And there’s no real potential for me to meet anyone new, really. Not when I am stuck living with my parents with no vehicle and basically taking care of my nephew. And helping support my family.....and I’m not married or have kids. I shouldnt have to do this shit, but here I am. The ever noble King…and sacrificing my shit for other people. That’s what I do.

So, more on other things. Idk if I ever told you all about nikki. Me and her sorta had a fling in high school, and it just kinda abruptly ended, I guess. Idk what happened honestly, but I found an old year book that she signed, and she wrote something. Scribbled it out. There were hearts that she drew over into smileys, so I am curious as to what she wrote. I ended up adding her on Facebook like last week. Earlier tonight I asked her if she remembered me, and no response just yet. But I am curious as to see the response.

As far as family shit goes, supposedly,my sister’s husband is getting kicked out the first of July. They apparently went to the fair not too long ago and he was high as hell. Like blatantly so. So, he will be kicked out and apparently my sister is opting to move out with him. The kids are welcome and my sister is as well, but my sisters husband is no longer welcome. So hopefully this will…make things better. Or lead to things getting better for me.

Idk what else to write about tonight. I’m just....I hate thinking about her and not being able to control it. I hate how everything reminds me of her.

Just…fuck and I know that I’ve wasted so much of my entries and shit on writing about her, and I should really just Fucking throw her aside forget her and let it be.

Make sure that I get to visit Jassmine. Probably meet up at a convention.ill probably cosplay as gambit. I think that would be sweet.

Alright king out. Going to go relax and watch some dumb shit.