Brood in 2013

My friend had her baby yesterday, a little girl (Well, not that little at 8lb 13oz but you catch my drift). I think because I am a bit down anyway its made me especially mopey. She has named her a name I had always kept on my "one day" list, it was what my Mum almost called me and it felt like a good name so thats kind of added to it a bit I suppose. Its weird how our brains do all this stuff, the way it makes you feel. I know that rationally, its not my name, and she had a baby before me and she has every right to call her whatever she likes!!! She is beautiful and it was a long birth and I am just glad they're both ok. But deep down there's a little bitter bit of me that feels like it isn't fair that her life has all panned out wonderfully and she got there first and so has had the opportunity to use the name I wanted. I hate that. I hate that there is any bit of me that is capable of thinking those things about my good friend. That there is even the tiniest part of me that is anything other than absolutely delighted for her and her husband.

I've been SO incredibly lucky in the last year in how far my life has come and it makes me angry that I can't focus on that. I am trying, obviously, but my brain just keeps being dark and horrible. I know that is me and I'm talking about it like its something I have no control over, which I suppose I must do, but it doesn't feel like it. I shouldn't let myself think those things but then how much of it is a concious thought and how much is just an emotional response that I'm not controlling? Anyway, its irrelevant I suppose. I am just feeling down and a little adrift. And worried it won't happen for me, or not for a long time, and then I worry how that will effect me emotionally and whether I will become more bitter and resentful every time someone else has a baby and I don't. I don't want to be one of those people. I suppose at least if I'm aware of it I can watch out for it, stop it happening.

I don't really know what I'm aiming at here. Just brain splooging.

I want a teeny tiny ball of baby cuddles, thats what I'm on about. But my friend Danielle is coming to visit from South Wales for the weekend, so I will have a teeny tiny ball of mad Valleys cuddles and wine and chinese food instead, so its not all bad.