Alone in the big city in ...not all who wander are lost..

Much has transpired since the last entry.

• My sweetie got the job he was interviewing for on the last entry. He started working at the end of January and has been working since. He now has medical benefits for the first time in years. We intend to take FULL advantage of them!

• I am now a legal productive member of the United States of America. I had my greencard interview and now actually hold said card. Did you know that greencards are actually green? Yeah.... neither did I.

• I interviewed the day after I got my social security number in the mail. I have been working steady since. I too now have medical benefits that I intend to abuse the hell out of. Not seeing a doctor in two years (or a dentist) is kinda nasty.

• We moved shortly after my greencard came in. We were told no moving until the immigration process was over as it complicates everything. My mother in law now lives with us which is good bad. I honestly love her here - it’s just we have ZERO alone time unless we’re 1. at work or 2. in the car driving or 3. in bed sleeping (even then we’ll sometimes get a knock at the door) At least I know I can keep an eye on her and that she is not alone if she falls and gets hurt. Besides it broke my heart to hear her ask “Can I move in with you guys - I’m so lonely since Nan passed away and I’m tired of being lonely. Who can say no to that who has any kind of a heart??

So what’s been going on? Well lots and nothing all at once. The major thing that is going on is I found out some things about my sweetie that I still have not found any time to address with him. He’s cheating on me. Grant you it’s via text and phone calls but you know what? If you have to hide messages from your spouse - its cheating.

Let me tell you a story....... it begins...... two months ago (Yes it’s been two months of this) I was unable to sleep and he was still up. Not a big deal most say and it really wasn’t. I commonly went to bed before him as I require more sleep to be able to function for the day. Sure we both started at work at 4am but he only requires 5 to 6 hours of sleep.. me SO much more. Anyway… I could not sleep so I got out my tablet and started reading the news. Well if his voxer (that he installed himself while in the hospital) didn’t start blinking with messages.

I watched the messages go back and forth. At first curious. Who is this Michelle person who is going on like she KNOWS knows him. I learned alot that night. That she was actively searching for him. That she still loves him. I learned that they spent a wonderful week together while he and I were dating and that he had a VERY faulty zipper that week. Nothing confirms cheating than seeing intimate details that only someone would know from being in bed with the same person. I learned that he still thinks about her and that he still loves her too.

That night my image of my perfectly happy marriage, one that I waited 10 years to get to this point, shattered. I could have forgiven the faulty zipper that occurred some years ago but when I started to do research over the next few weeks… and as I watched more and more messages go by… it’s really hard to forgive this.

I know exactly who she is. When my sweetie and I were dating so many years ago we played Second Life alot. One day she appeared like a bad plague. After that she was always there. She went by the screen name of China. She was a thorn in my side. She would come online and there was instant dark cloud that would appear. I told him then that I don’t like her and something isn’t right with her. He just pushed it off like there was nothing wrong. My gut said something was up with her. Once we drove from Ky to Fl one year stopping in her hometown in Ga to have lunch and a short visit. After all we were all friends right and she lived right off the interstate right? Just a quick pit stop. She seemed pleasant but that gut feeling was right there. Something was not right. I remember telling my daughter, who travelled with us that time, that I think something is up with them. You know this was after they spent 10 minutes talking privately by her jeep out of sight of the two of us. After driving over to say ok enough is enough we gotta get going he got in the car. I told him right then and there “She wants what I have. She wants YOU and I will not tolerate it nor will I share you. So if you want to have her tell me now and I’ll go on my way.” I was told them that I was over reacting. Nothing is going on. She’s just a friend. .... Just a friend....

Eventually she spent less and less time online with us… then one day she was gone. Eventually we moved from the game as well and onto other ways to effectively communicate. Years and years passed and she was gone.. until two months ago.

Enter in China (I’ll use that instead of her real name because that is just spiteful) I know what her full name is married and not. I know that she’s now divorced (she was married when we met her - probably divorced due to this faulty zipper). I know that her ex-husband recently married this very pretty little lady. I know her son is recently back from serving with the National Guard. I know where she works, what her side job is, and that she is interviewing for other jobs. I know her address and her phone numbers. I know it is she that “broke off” the relationship with him in the past. I also know it is she who saught my husband out again. She knows he’s married but still insists she loves him “in a platonic sort of way”. I know that he calls her kitten. I know that they talk via text message and that he calls her. He calls her when either I’m at work or in bed. He text her all the time. All sorts of “I wish I were there.” and from her “It would be so nice to feel you in me.” but… I love you in a platonic sort of way. Confused… yeah so am I. Her recent text that still remains unanswered is “Just what exactly are we now? We cant be a couple because your married so.....”

He has her under “Aaron” in his phone. How sweet. So either he’s gay and having an affair as he is calling some guy named Aaron kitten or he’s just outright having an affair. Either way he paints it he’s in the wrong. Again.. if he had nothing to hide her name would be listed properly and I would be able to pick up his phone at any time to go through it. (which I can’t. He gets all edgy when I touch his phone) Yesterday he tells me of this guy named Aaron who’s recently found him again. That he met Aaron from Second Life through a business acquaintance named Rysen (I’ve talked to Rysen before. He’s super sweet!). That Aaron just got back from rehab that lasted a few years (now I don’t know much about rehab but I know a few years is a lot excessive. Jail time is years worth of time.. not rehab). That Aaron wishes to use him as his sponsor so don’t be surprised if the phone rings often with his number or to see notifications of txt messages from him. Don’t answer it or read the message just bring him the phone. OH… and Aaron, even though is a guy, sounds like he’s super gay, compete with the high-pitched voice that sounds like a woman’s.

blink blink blink I didn’t know what to say to all that. He boldly lied right to my face. The truth mixed in with an elaborate story. I said nothing but “Oh ok....” full well knowing he’s lying right to my face.

I go from complete despair, to wishing I was dead, to wishing I get some sort of accident so he’ll pay attention to me, to complete rage, to nothing is wrong it’s fine I’m over reacting, to maybe I did something wrong, to he’s mine back off b&%h, to self-image bashing (I’m too fat or he does not like me because of ‘x’ or I’m too ugly), being so angry that I never ONCE cheated on him in all the years apart (and I could have, believe me, I could have. But I never once put myself in that situation) … all this and more and back again. I get angry that I prayed so very hard when he had his heart attack. I swear harder than I ever have to have God leave him with me. .... and for what? To have him cheat on me??? I get angry that I wasted my prayers on my sweetie who clearly does not care if he hurts me or not.

And I’m so alone while dealing with all this. I have no one here in the city to tell this to and to help me through all this. I have no friend to leave this house for a few weeks while he get’s his head screwed on right. I have no extra money to rent a car and a hotel so I can continue to work while he sorts out his mess. My best friend is still back home. As are all my friends. I refuse to drag his family into this. I have not told my daughter - which is someone I usually tell everyone too. She would worry too much. 3 of my friends know. Just 3 (and well now 4 when she reads this post) That’s it. All of which I have contact with through the wonderful invention of the Internet (thank God for that) but at the same time.. I’m still alone in this city, in not my country, dealing with the second life-altering event all on my own.

You know what though.... the thing is… she’s not even attractive. AT ALL! She’s heavier than I am. Far less curvy. She’s not pretty at all...... and..... just...... what the heck?? He’s willing to give up me for .... that??? I can tell you it’s not for the sex. I live with a 2 times heart patient (first event was stens. Second event was a 4x bypass). Sex is nearly non existant. It was that way before I even moved down here. I’m mostly fine with that. We compensate in other ways. So I have no worries of him falling into her again. It’s just the emotional connection that bothers me - hell ALL of this bothers me!

I know it’s not my fault. I know I will not play a victim. I know that him doing this is ALL his choice. I also know that I am not ready to give up on my marriage that it can be fixed, but this has to be a choice HE makes. I know he has ruined all trust that I had in him. Trust with me is very very sacred. He threw that away like it was nothing.

At this point I know I will tell him.. it’s just a matter of how and when. We have, as I said, no alone time. ZERO. I’m not about to have a yelling match with my husband and share my dirty laundry with my mother in law (who by the way would kill him if she knew. She has said many many times that he should have met me before the other two wives he had) I’m not having this discussion while we’re driving so he can be distracted and crash the car. Besides, how exactly do you start this conversation? The rough plan is to take his phone and dial her number and confront them both at the same time. Affairs thrive in secrecy.. and if i get them both at the same time and she hears it right from me that i DONT approve - maybe she’ll back the hell off? Not to worry… if she dosen’t answer the phone I have tons of printed out PROOF that it’s happening so there is zero way he can back out of it and say that I’m crazy.

I don’t know where to go from here. The knowledge is eating me up. I watch every single day them two kabitzing back and forth. All safe in the idea that they are perfect and having fun together. It makes me, quite honestly, physically ill. I want to tell him I know.. but if I do will it affect his heart condition? I don’t him to have any more stress than he needs to but..... what is it doing to me? How do I tell him… when..

This sucks so much I can’t even begin to tell you....