Today was incredibly exhausting.
My mom and I went out to my grandpa's house where my dad and several of his siblings were figuring out some legal stuff. Ann is one of grandpa's power of attorneys and they need to get some stuff sorted before her cancer gets so bad she doesn't have the energy to function/before she passes away.
She wanted to talk to my mom about some of her therapy options as no one on my dad's side of the family knows much about science and medicine at all and my mum's a nurse. There are two options here in Minneapolis and one option out in NY. At first she was really gung ho about the NY but now she's having a really hard time making up her mind. The NY trial is based on immunotherapy, which has worked in some other cancers quite well, but they're just starting human trials with pancreatic cancer. The problem with it is it's pretty much all or nothing. It can give remissions that last years or it won't do a damn thing and you've wasted a month and a half (which is the amount of time it takes to see results) when you don't have much time left and you've gotten weaker which makes you a less fit candidate for other trials. The two treatment trials in Mpls are kind of in their infancy and no one really knows what they'll do, but they've been promising enough in rodent and canine models, so they're stepping up to testing on humans. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch.
I only had one moment where I thought I might lose it, when both Ann and my mom were tearing up. The whole situation is obviously incredibly sad sad and I'm a sympathetic crier. But I didn't want to cry there because it's awkward to cry in front of your extended family and once I start, I can't stop. Kind of like Pringles.
She asked me how vet school was going and I kind of didn't want to talk about it because a lot of what I talk about is the future. I start rotations in 5ish months and all I could think was "you might be dead by then." And five months is nothing.
Despite it being sad, it was overall a good visit and good to see her. We brought some food she really liked and, being the Italian woman I am, it gives me great pleasure to feed people and have them eat heartily.
It's weird talking to someone with a terminal illness. You have so much normal conversation but then realization hits over and over again and you remember that the future for them is so short and it makes tiny conversations that may seem meaningless under normal circumstances take on more importance than you could possibly imagine.
Ugh. I need to stop writing now. I don't have time or energy to cry right now because I have to study for my damn Oncology exam.
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