I don’t know how single parents do it…
My husband Justin is out of town at a fan convention for one of his all-time favorite book series. I got him tickets over a year ago and I am SO excited that he got to meet his fave author and experience this! However....this means I am by myself all weekend (til late Monday afternoon) with our two-year-old son John.
Let me say, first and foremost, I LOVE my son. He is an incredible kid and has been such a gift in our lives. I wouldn’t trade him for anything.
But.
I’m afraid I’m starting to realize I really dislike being a parent. I work full-time and when I get home, on a normal day, all I want to do is crash on the couch and not have anyone depend on me. And I’m ashamed to admit that that’s what I DO a lot of the time. I mean…I get John’s dinner ready, change and bathe him and all. And a lot of the time, the three of us will go to the park after work. But there are still a lot of times where I will throw on a movie so I can read on my Kindle or browse Facebook in peace. I always looked down on that kind of thing, and I still do. Its kinda like being depressed and eating a whole tube of cookie dough: you hate yourself afterwards and resolve to never do it again but two nights later, you’re back at it.
Anyways, today was one of those days. John was up at 7 and we went to Kings Island before his nap since we have passes, like the three of us do every weekend, only this time it was just John and I. Usually, he’ll fall asleep in the last 10/15 minutes before home and we are ALWAYS able to transfer him seamlessly into bed, where he’ll take a solid 2-3 hour nap. I was really counting on that today. It didn’t happen.
So, he’s cranky. I’m cranky. And I lose my temper at stuff I normally just grit my teeth at. Normal two year old stuff. Then he hits me, so I put him in time-out. Which has zero effect. The “terrible two’s” have seemed to come online in the last couple of weeks, and I’ve really been struggling with how to be a firm parent. I lose my temper fairly easy, and I’m so afraid that if I try to raise my voice and be firm during these times, he’ll think I’m a monster or something.
Anyways, getting back to today…We had a rough afternoon bc I was exhausted. And so I’ve been feeling awful bc all I wanted to DO for the last few hours was just scream, “Get out of my face!” when he came up and a started tugging on me, wiping his peanut butter filled hands on me instead of the cloth I had right in front of him, getting in my face and sticking his tongue out repeatedly , etc. And all of this stuff is typical, normal 2yo behavior. And I can’t fault him for it.
So I feel like, “If I can’t handle being around this, what the hell am I doing?” I should be able to handle my own child by myself for a few days without feeling this way. And what’s more....how can I expect to be able to handle having another one eventually? Justin and I want a second child bc John having a sibling is SO important to us. Plus, I feel like our family isn’t “finished” so to speak. But I can barely muster up energy to handle the one we have, and absolutely DREAD the thought of having to deal with two kids.
I don’t know…maybe I’m feeling this way bc I haven’t had a break at all since Christmas. And though it’s not fair to Justin, I’m resenting his 4 day vacation something fierce. We aren’t going to our usual nerd convention in July bc of finances and so that makes me especially bitter that HE gets a vacation and I don’t. I know life isn’t fair and all that jazz but dammit. Why does he get to have fun this year and I don’t?
I know this probably comes off as super whiny, and I feel bad about that. Most days, I don’t think about this stuff. But today was rough. And I needed to get it off my chest and didn’t want to burden Justin with these feelings.
I wasn’t a good Mom today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. :-(
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