I’ve been drinking this evening. Watching repeats on TV. When I drink I do harm. In the past I have branded myself. On my left wrist is a branded semi-colon as that is the “symbol” of suicide. Not a tattoo, a burned brand. And on my right wrist I burned lines that resembles stitches that may have re-attached my hand to my wrist. These scars darken in cold weather or if I’m doing the dishes in hot water. A friend said it was “foolishness.” But he is an idiot. A poser, if you will. He jokes about being mentally ill but he doesn’t understand the reality of it. Would he have made that comment if I were to have cancer and, due to chemotherapy, lost my hair? No. But mental illness and depression seems to be open to stupid, judgmental remarks.
I have become a vegan. I have started to eat healthfully. How ironic, I think, since I don’t really care if I live or die. The apathy becomes stronger if I’m drinking. Do I become stronger after a few drinks? Does the alcohol allow my true feelings to come to the surface or does it create these feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness? I may harm again. Will probably harm again.
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