Captain Bad-Guy. in A New Beginning to an Old Story.

Last night I opened PB and started typing. I starting trying about my relationship history and why I always seem to stay when I shouldn’t. It actually became very, very long. I got a lot out that apparently I needed to because afterwards I had that “relieved” feeling.

Its come to my attention that maybe I always placed my loyalty and commitment in the wrong hands for a reason. Its almost like I picked guys who were emotionally damaged, had family issues, and really, were somewhat immature. Probably because that’s what I felt I deserved. I had a lot of emotional pain, family resentment and loneliness in me.. So I held on to something I could control and relate to.. Without the worry of it ever really hurting me.

I’m worried that it’s happening in my current relationship now. Maybe I’m changing? I want more than what I did before. I can actually picture a real future with someone. The house, the feelings, the loyalty and commitment. Maybe kids and marriage even? I just want something deeper. Something real. I want to invest myself and give someone the power to destroy me but trust them not to.

My boyfriend still seems stuck. In his past. Haunted by his emotional issues. He doesn’t let people in, he’s really defensive, he pushes and pushes. He will say this isn’t true, but I’ve lived with him everyday for 6 years… I know how he operates. He’s full of excuses and “one day…” Hopes. Whereas I want to live in the right now. If I want something, I don’t want to wait for ‘one day’… I want to start making things happen. Right now.

We’ve been arguing, being kinda rude, short answering each other, and just.. Disconnected lately. It might be all on me because maybe I secretly know that shits fucked up and I’m mad because I can’t say anything without him getting defensive, shutting down, or pushing it under the rug like its not there.

6 years, we’ve been together. You’d think we would at least be on the same page, or be aware of the fact were not.

I don’t even know how to bring this up to him. I feel so defeated and like no matter what, I’m the bad guy for feeling this way.