I really don’t even know how to start this.
I used to write all the time. It was the perfect outlet. Writing was the one thing that I could do that just belonged to me. Well, me and the other readers. OD was a place that I could go to, write what I was feeling, and not be judged. Over the years, time seems to have taken that away.
I don’t have many friends anymore.
In my mind, this is for one of three reasons.
1: I no longer fit in their social circles. This is 99% in reference to my mom friends. Respectfully so, their lives became those of mothers. Weekends filled with birthday parties, 2 foot outdoor, pee-filled wading pools and all things kids. Which is what should rightfully happen. I fit in on the weekends when babysitters were found. Don’t get me wrong, I was invited to the birthday parties and wading pool parties but after the first few, there was no fun to be had being the one couple at the party with no kids. This was also time filled with trying to explain why we don’t want kids to a room full of googly-eyed baby loving women. Over time, babysitters were harder to find and the moms all went over to each others houses with all their babies and drank wine under the guise of Scency parties, sex toy parties or some other “at-home-company” type of scenerios. It wasn’t a matter of no longer being friends, it was just.. our lives didn’t fit together anymore.
2: I don’t want to drink anymore. I don’t like drunk me. Drunk me makes poor decisions, blacks out and has no self-control. It’s taken me a lot of years to admit this, and now that I have it’s a decision that I am standing stong with. Since I’ve made this decision, I’ve been out for drinks a few times and really, it’s not fun. Having just one or two drinks leaves me with a headache and I’d rather not even go to begin with. Bars are loud when you’re sober. Drinks are expensive and I am not a large person, I can only have like.. two drinks (maybe three) otherwise I risk blowing over and frankly, I love my licence. Plus, the friends that I do go out with are all, “have one more!”, “have a shot!” and i really just got tired of making excuses and reasons to leave early.
3: I’m exhausted after work. Chances of being able to go for after work drinks are slim to none with me. I like to get home, eat supper, catch up on some TV and relax. When it comes to the weekend.. well, this is where I am got myself into trouble.. You see, when I kind of fell off the map in regards to my social life, it was nice not to have plans. It was nice to just be able to wake up on Saturday, drink mad amounts of coffee, flick through Netflix and stay in pajamas all day. Sunday would be chore day, which was nice being able to do not hungover. So, a few weekends of doing absolute fuck all turned into.. well, where I am today. So to finish off #3, my job makes me tired. My job is dealing with people all day every day. On the phone, all day every day. So the last thing that I wanted to be doing on the weekends is be on the phone or around people.
But what I didn’t anticipate was the fact that now, being such a hermit, has caused my anxiety to flare up full swing again. What I didn’t anticipate was the depression that slowly started to creep up on me. With all the moves, Patrick’s job issues and losing a lot of my friends, came depression. At first, I really did enjoy the coffee, movie filled, pajama wearing weekends with the husband. But, as of late it’s no longer a choice really. Because I didn’t go anywhere or do anything I of course gained weight. Now, not only am I not comfortable becuase of the mass amounts of crowds in the real world, I am also extremly uncomfortable because I don’t fit into anything I own and haven’t for a while, making it hard to get dressed for even a dinner out with the husband. That is, of course a vicious circle because when I go out to shop I get so frustrated at the size that I have to buy now that I end up leaving with nothing (or yet another pair of sweatpants).
What I really wanted to come from this entry, was to feel release. With no one to talk to but my mother and my husband, there’s all these pent up things that never are never talked about or dealt with. I wanted to see if, by the end of writing all this, I felt relief.
And I do. I always want to say that I want this space to be positive. That I want it to be a safe place to write and to be happy, which is why I don’t write. I didn’t want to be that sob story, stuck in time basket case that has nothing to write about other than being completely fucked up. However, in the time that it has taken to write this, I realize that this is the exact place to do that. I may be really negative for the first few (or ten, twenty or maybe it will only take this one) entries, but I’ve learned that if one doesn’t want to be a part of things then all it takes is to unfollow, unbookmark or defriend the things you don’t want to be a part of. I am not writing to get sympathy, friends or advice. I am not writing to be entertaining to anyone. I am writing because it’s what I have always done. Don’t get me wrong, it feels better to write in a place where others can read and possibly relate, but I have to stop worrying about what people will think about me. I have to stop not writing because I don’t want to bum out the people that still read me (if there’s anyone even left anymore). I am okay with being the sad, depressed, basket-case that can only talk about being that because I am hopeful that it will eventually end. So, I have kind of a plan. If you’re still with me, I’ll give you an out to have to read all the downright depressing, self indulgent, basket case entries. In the title line of the entry, I will have (SIDE) Self Indulgent Depressing Entry. That way, if you’re still there and you still want to follow, bookmark or whatever it is now but don’t want to get sucked into entries like this then just don’t click on that link.
I promise that there will be funny, happy non-depressing entries but for the first little while the bad will out-weigh the good because I haven’t had an outlet for almost a year and there’s so many things to write about now that I have let writing come back into my life in a large way.
So, highfive if you’re still reading this because man, it’s a prety SIDE entry.
Laugh?
Also, why doesn’t Prosebox have spellcheck? I spent a lot of time going back and forth between tabs spellchecking words, which really sucks.
So in closing.. I hope you’re still with me.
Also, there are certain people that are exempt in this. Those who have been there, stayed there and know exactly what I am going though. Those who, no matter how much time passes, we know that we are still there for each other. You know who you are.
xo.
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