Hey hey in Regular Stuff

Hello there! How are you? Where has everyone been? What’s that you say? Where have I been? Fair enough. I guess i have been the one who has been remiss in writing. I’m sorry you can’t read all those entries I wrote in my head lol.

I gues I thought I would wait until I was deep into depression and then I could come here and whine. And then all of you could be supportive and tell me it was perfectly okay for me to be mad, sad, depressed, confused, and all these other emotions eating away at me. Just kidding. Sort of.

Well let me just get this out of the way and say I still miss OD. I am grateful for this site and I do come her and read entries, but there are still so many people I miss. And obviously I’m not the only one to feel this way. When I look at my friends list, I have about 15-20 people on there, who came over from OD, staked a claim and never write an entry. A few do entries here and there and there are a handful who write daily or almost daily. I’m so thankful for those folks. Makes it feel more like home.

Apparently I don’t let go easily. This has been a problem in my life on more than one occasion.

My granddaughters are fabulous and continue to make me happy every single day.

Unfortunately, they are the only things that make me happy these days. That’s not fair to me or to them.

I am battling serious depression and trying desperately.not to go all the way under. I don’t know how to describe it and if you’ve never been diagnosed with depression, it can bedifficult to understand.

Some people think of it as just a bad case of the blues but it goes so much deeper.

I was first diagnosed in 1988, a year after my dad died. The therapy and medication helped me realize how deeply I stuff down my feelings of pain. I didn’t cry one tear when my dad died. And I loved him very much. I’ve always felt that showing pain or sorrow was embarrassing and a sign of weakness. Oddly enough, I only my fe that way about myself. When other people express these emotions, I feel total sympathy and compassion. Why can’t I feel that way for myself?

If I had to self analyze, I’d say it stems from my brother getting sick and dying when I was 11. That was such a confusing and sad time for me. My parents were totally focused on my brother which I understand, but still it was hard. When he came home from the hospital, he was so sick. His leg had been amputated, he’d had so much chemo and had lost so much weight. He had literally been through hell. Even I knew he had come home to die. I felt so awkward around him. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I feel terrible now, but mainly I just avoided going in his room.

When he passed, at the age of 18, the funeral mass was on a Tuesday. I remember this because that was the day all the kids in my school went to mass. That was a very bad experience for me. I was so uncomfortable with having all my friends see my family grieving, especially my poor mother. I also felt bad for them, as they were all uncomfortable too. I felt like I had to buck up and keep everything inside. I couldn’t risk breaking down in front of all my friends. I always felt like the church should have had a separate mass they day.

Maybe this makes me sound childish and selfish, but I was a child. And I was seeing things and feeling things that were overwhelming to me. I didn’t know how to act, I was scared seeing my parents and family so heartbroken and I didn’t know how to comfort them. I felt lost and alone, sad and scared. I knew life would never be the same.

Now as I was saying, I was diagnosed in 1988 and started therapy. It was very helpful. I also started antidepressants which, with few exceptions, I have continued to this day. Right now I am on a very low dose and have been for several years. I don’t see a therapist , I just get my meds from my regular Dr.

For the most part I have kept on an even keel. I have my moods for sure, but I recognize them for what they are. I did have a bad breakdown in 2001. My mother died in January and the man I thought I would probably marry, dumped me in August. Oh it was so bad. So so bad. I was a mess. Thank God I got back into therapy right away.

They are some things going on in my life that are contributing to my despair and I will talk about them in another entry. Which I will write very soon.

I am trying to get into therapy. It’s all so confusing to me about what is covered, where I can go, who accepts my insurance, how much I have to pay, etc. It’s really difficult trying to figure out to get help when your head is not working right.

Hugs and prayers for all of you.

Last updated May 03, 2015