that went somewhere i didn't expect it to go. in A New Beginning to an Old Story.

Why do we compare people? Why do we over analyze everything? Why do we judge people based on our own thoughts and then turn blame on them?

Because its what we do.

I’m trying so hard not to do any of the above. Especially in my relationship. Which is the one area that its so easy to do because emotions are involved and we all know feelings fuck things up, especially our brains.

I can’t help but take things personally and be a little selfish when it comes to my relationship so when my boyfriend acts like he doesn’t care, or isn’t listening, or I have to beg him to do something. When he turns down sex, doesn’t say the right things, or refuses to discuss the future. I get mad. I get hurt, so I get mad.

Its so easy to start thinking how he does this on purpose, he must not truly love me, and maybe we should not be together.

I mean, imagine. Being with someone for 6 years and feeling like you two haven’t progressed AT ALL. We’ve always lived together so there was no huge “moving in together step”.

The general rules.. You meet, you date, you make it official, you meet the parents, you travel together, you move in, you get engaged, you get married, you have a baby, etc etc. General ” stepping stones” or big moments of progression.

Well, we met, never dated just one day he moved in and we called it official because what else are you? He met my family right away at a mothers day dinner. I didn’t meet his parents for the first almost 4 years and it was an awkward “hi, bye” situation. His family doesn’t think meeting anyone is a big deal, they couldn’t care less about anything. In the past 6 years we’ve barely taken any holidays just us 2. We’ve gone to Mexico together and everyone else, camping with everyone else, etc. Were thinking about buying a house together but he doesn’t put in any actual effort. Engagement and marriage is NOT happening anytime soon. If I bring it up, he gets uncomfortable and I get to hear the “don’t pressure me” speech. I got pregnant once and he was pissed. I had a miscarriage and I still think he was relieved. So relieved that i swear he thinks I have no reason to be upset over it. Because.. Babies.. Its too soon and were not ready. Correction, he’s not ready and therefore makes me feel like he thinks I’d be a terrible mother.

So… All the negatives spewed out like that. Its SO EASY to judge, compare him to Mr.perfect, convince myself I’m an idiot for staying.

But emotions are invested. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. For some reason my walls don’t exsist with him. I can be myself. No one else in the world has ever been able to bring out the good in me like he has. And he’s pretty sweet.

Maybe he just doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s human who has a horrible past, he’s never been committed before, he’s never been in love before, no one in his life has ever been in a successful marriage, ask the kids in his life have been subjected to neglect and horrible childhood’s… He probably has zero confidence when it comes to love and feelings and trusting someone else with his future and possible child.

Everyone has flaws and when we stick two very different people into a relationship where they are supposed to mush their flaws together and make it work… It’s easy to just focus on your side and forget that the other person has a whole history of shit to deal with too.