I feel like I am constantly writing the same entry over and over again. About how I’m struggling and I can’t seem to change even though I want to. It’s really frustrating for me and I’m sure it’s pretty boring for you guys. I only have 3 months left of my twenties and I still feel so messed up. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s so silly that I have a lot of stuff in my life that is awesome but I feel like I’m miserable the majority of the time.
I have been personal training with Ross for 10 weeks now and I’m still in the same size clothes as when I started. They do fit me better and I can do my belt up an extra notch but I did think that I would have made more progress by now. I have clothes 3 sizes smaller packed away under my bed that I was hoping I might be able to fit in to again one day, I don’t know if that’s realistic though. I had thought that getting down to 11 stone 2lb (which would take my BMI from overweight to healthy) would be a more realistic goal for the 12 weeks, but that’s still 10lbs away, so that’s not going to happen in the next 2 weeks. I know that it is completely down to me not being able to get my eating right, I don’t know why I constantly sabotage myself. If I just cheated with the ‘healthier’ carbs I don’t think it would make too much of a difference,. The odd bit of rice or pasta or bread wouldn’t be so bad. But at the moment when I cheat (which is probably about 80% of the time) I am eating subway, and pizza, and nachos, and chocolate and sweets and drinking fizzy drinks. A lot of the time I don’t even enjoy what I’m eating which Is so stupid. And a lot of the time I don’t really enjoy eating healthier food because I’m not that great at preparing it myself, but if I’m going to not enjoy my food I might as well not enjoy something that’s actually good for me!
Every night before I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow is the day that I’m going to be ‘good’, that I’m going to get up early and be productive and eat healthily. And then in the morning my alarm goes off and I snooze until I absolutely have to get out of bed and then eat a bowl of cereal even though I have my egg muffins all ready to be microwaved in the fridge. I hate feeling like this, especially because I know I need to change because I’m making myself miserable, but I just feel so stuck.
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