There was a new Marilyn Manson album released in January and I only just found it now. I’m so behind… I used to keep up on that stuff so well.
I am actually working 30 hours next week… Not complaining at all. I’m quite happy. My paycheck today was all right, too (would still only pay half the rent, though…). And I think we get a bonus on the next one. I was also in skincare (and hair care and fragrance–we rotate each hour) and it was okay. Nice to move around the store. Around 6PM we heard some insane thunder and then the power went out for about 20 minutes but the backup lights came on so we weren’t totally in the dark. It’s a mall and everything but it’s still a little harrowing.
I’ve been kind of sad lately. Not sure what it is. As much as I do like working at Sephora, I still feel unfulfilled. I keep wanting to bring Cori to my next counselor meeting (since the main reason, besides my inability to handle anxiety and stress, for me going is the fact that I have some severe esteem issues and–Cori thinks–PTSD from the rape/abortion when I was 14…) but so far our schedules haven’t lined up. He doesn’t mind being late to class or leaving early but I don’t want him to leave in the middle.
I’m actually not doing the shipment shift next week but I didn’t know that when I made my appointment, so she put me down for 2PM instead of 4 (I usually work at 5 or 6) but I could’ve done the 4. That would’ve been perfect and Cori would only have had to leave class maybe 10 minutes early (if he didn’t already get out early) since the clinic is right across from the university. But I called this morning when I got my schedule and it was already booked.
Basically I want Cori with me when I mention the rape. We haven’t even been talking about PTSD and as it is, I told Cori it may seem out of the blue. Normally I discuss my frustration and coping issues and homesickness with my counselor; I don’t even think I’ve mentioned anything about an instance of sexual abuse, and I certainly wrote nothing about it on the intake form when I started going.
I had a nightmare over the weekend about rape. Normally I have nightmares that involve me remembering the real rape but this time it was a rape nightmare in a different place, a different guy, a different situation, but I am the age I am now and even in this nightmare Cori was in it (in the dream I went to him in tears after it happened–though I was also upset IRL and he was there, too).
The problem is, what’s the point in me saying anything ? I’m not acting out because of it. Yeah, I’m having nightmares and may feel depressed. But I’m also afraid if I mention the abortion, the focus may shift from the rape to the abortion. I have no regrets about the abortion nor have I ever had an abortion nightmare–but I still harbor anger and sorrow and pain from the rape. I have nightmares about the rape. Sometimes when I’m being intimate with Cori I get these scary deep-set feelings of dread and worthlessness and don’t know how to respond. And then Cori picks up on it and we stop and I feel like I ruined the moment.
I’m not looking forward to the day I mention it to her. I feel like it will be so… unexpected. And it probably won’t be, but… I came in for anxiety management and then suddenly oh hay, I may have PTSD too !
Yeah… Part of me never wants to say anything. But when I saw a therapist in Virginia and she immediately put me in a group DBT where I couldn’t tell people I was raped, it’s not like I didn’t think DBT was useless but… it wasn’t what I was looking for. So while I have health insurance before some politicians take it away from me, I should probably get help while I can.
~Rachel
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