The Ballad of Old Sexy Janie in Fast times at where ever

Sometimes a man does things he's not proud of but still tells the story anyway. this is one of those...

I use to frequent this small hillbilly bar with some of my friends that worked for the soul sucking company of airmark. I might be wrong since I never actually worked for Airmark, but from the outside looking in it seemed to be an area of last resort. The breaking point of desperation for students trying to stay in school and older folks with no real hopes or dreams. My friends inter mixed social barriers which gave me access to both groups.

on one of my many visits to the local bar with my airmark friends I met Janie. Janie was a mid-fortyish women who had made her fair share of mistakes in her life, and paid for them with an indefinite stint at Airmark. Janie looked okay for her age especially while I was intoxicated, so every time I saw her I would have to do my trademark deepened voice "Hey Lady, what's up?". She loved it, it was like flies to honey. A man can always tell right off when he's not going to have work very hard for something, and I knew straight out of the gate I wouldn't have to do anything. I talked to her off an on for a couple months, because a part of me didn't want what she had to offer.

homecoming rolled around one year, which happens to be one of the big five intoxicated days of the year for My buddies and myself roll out to the old Hillbilly bar and guess who's there? that's right Janie. In an intoxicated state I had given her my number and told her to come over for the after party. Later that night she had texted repetitively and I had passed out.

Morning rolls around and turns into evening when I wake up and see these numbers not in my contacts that had texted me. Amoung the six questionable numbers was Janie's. I text her back and she ask what happen that night and I responded with my best "goodtimes and passed out" excuse. I saved her number back for a rainy day.

many months later:

It's a rainy three day weekend, no one is in town period, and I'm in a frenzy to hang out or something. I start looking through my contacts and talking to myself

"no, she's out of town"

"no, she got married"

"no, she's bla bla bla"

Then I reach Janie's number and a mental dilemma, she's old but I'm feeling it. This is where there is no 1-10 scale for dudes to rate women, frankly there is only a yes or no scale. yes I would do it, or no I wouldn't do it. sometimes a women like Janie comes along and she's right on the tip. she's ok but she's not, and that's when you have to let fate decide for you. I text her.

Text:

Me: 10:50pm Hey lady…long time no talk.

Janie: 11:30pm Hey Fella...

Me: 11:34pm What's going on with you tonight?

Janie: 11:34pm oh…nothing thinking about watching some tv.

Me: 11:38pm well…you should come over and watch some tv and have a beer with me.

Janie: 11:39pm well I might…do you have a tv in your bedroom cause then we could lay and cuddle and watch tv.

Me: 11:43pm come over, I'm sure I can fix something up.

Janie: ok…lol…be there in a sec (because she lives like a quarter mile from me)

now I can tell a few things from the text I'm getting, 1. she's bored 2.the no gap in text tells me she's interested 3. she pretty blatantly said lets fuck when she ask if I had a TV in the bed room.

I'm in a mad scramble to clean the house a small bit and get something to watch a movie on working in the bedroom. then I grab a beer just to get a little alcohol on my breath and ease my way into bad judgement calls.

Janie knocks on my door, I open it and give her the look over. I really didn't remember her face looking like so many years of bad relationships and alcohol/nicotine abuse. Her body looked okay though. I was still on the fence to say the least.

She makes herself right at home, kicks her shoes off and I look at her feet, their clean so she passed that inspection. Then she ask me if I was ready to watch the movie, we walk into the bedroom and she takes off her PJ bottoms revealing these tiny little blueish gray with red trim booty shorts wrapping a nice little booty. I'm looking thanking to myself "damn lady, where you been hiding that" then I smacked her on the ass. then she pulls her top off showing a nice cute little bra and a flat toned stomach. yet again I think "damn lady".

I put in caddyshack, and we crawl into bed and cover up, I'm running my hands across her stomach and chest because I obviously can't keep them to my self during caddyshack. Before long we're making out, I'm sucking on her tits, give her the ol finger bang special, and climb on top for grand finale. She loved it, I enjoyed it, everyone is happy and even get to see he end of caddysack to boot. I'm thinking "yea…that was nice, now I can turn over and go to sleep" wrong.

Caddyshack is over so I climb out of bed all naked and feeling a little dirty, I put in grand torino. I crawl back in bed and our nipple graze and before I know it I'm in the throws of dirty old love again. Same deal as before missed the whole damn movie got done just in time to see Clint Eastwood shot up by some Asian dudes. By this time it's like 5:30 in the morning she has to go to work in a couple hours and I have to sleep in because I'm that lucky bastard.

She leaves and I'm left with the smell of cigarettes, cougar, and dirty caddyshack/grand torino sex; along with the feeling of victory and I just fucked an old lady twice, what a fucking night...