My eating habits have gotten really bad again. It’s been a year since I’ve been able to work and it’s taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I’m getting tiny again and it freaks me out. Back down to 108bs. (115 lbs is what I try to stay at) It’s a good weight for me and my height..5 lbs more and I look chunky, 5 lbs less and I look sick. I’m always riding this fine line.
On good days, I’ll smoke pot all day and eat normally. On bad days however, I smoke my pot and get my munchies but I can’t get my throat to work. I can’t swallow the food. And if I can’t eat, I get sick, only bile. It’s not good. This psychological dent is really hurting me.
But the only way I can get better is by getting immigration taken care of and getting myself a job. By getting our life started…I’m tired of waiting for ‘our life to get started’. I’ve been saying that for too fucking long now. I WANT TO WORK!! To be able to pay my half of rent, utilities, groceries, and everything else in life. Especially my pot. I’ve been smoking for free for a year and yes, I’m bitching about it. I’m perfectly capable to getting and holding a job, I SHOULD be able to pay for my own weed! Bat’s grandmother gets pissed when I say I feel like a mooch, it’s not who I am. I take care of myself! But I can’t right now, I can’t pay for a fucking thing, and it makes me depressed. I’ve been through too much in life, I can’t be completely dependent on someone like that. It makes me feel like dirt, filth.
I want a legit job. Probably back into retail, stocking shelves at night..I loved working nightcrew..Hated the customers with a bloody passion, mind you, it was open 24/7… And how I always dreaded 3am cause that’s what time the bars would close and the drunks would come piling in for some munchies or attempted thefts. But I loved the job itself, the fast paced work environment, the crew (nightcrew workers get along amazingly with each other because they pretty well all hate people), the competition and, well, just the night itself.. I can’t imagine working days ever again..ESPECIALLY NOT RETAIL.
Oce I start working again, I know my eating habits will get back to ‘normal’
Now for some more work on the mannequin I’m making (By the way, It’s too pricy to buy one so I’m making one instead)..it’s a bit bigger than me but this was only my first attempt so I’ll probably be making another at some point.
-Wolfy
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