Grieving Sucks some Balls! in A New Beginning to an Old Story.

This may just turn into an angry rant because im super pissed off right now and I don't even know how I let myself get to this today. It's just stupid how everyone expects me to be so friggen happy. I'm sorry that im not able to just wake up a week later and be like "So, that happened, oh well lets move on". I know myself pretty well and I know I turn emotions in anger. Like when im really hurt or upset, I just get angry. Everything then sucks. But later I cry and feel like absolute shit about myself and it all turns into internal hatred.

For those of you who don't follow me, a week ago I had an abnormal miscarriage. Miscarriages suck to begin with but first I was all worked up because I was going in for an ultrasound to see if the baby was at risk for down syndrome or any type of deformity. That had me all worried but to my shock, the tech turned to me and told me that my babys once 167 bpm heart beat is now at 0. Fuck me, that was the shittiest day of my life so far and I've had a few too many of those over the past 23 years. I was immediately scheduled for a D&C the following week. Then a few days later my body decided to have a natural miscarriage only there was nothing natural about it because EVERYTHING decided to come out at once, along with way too much blood because apparently I now have my moms blood disorder that makes me bleed out so I spent the night in the hospital and had emergency surgery.

We kept the pregnancy on the down low because I was already at risk due to having Polycystic ovaries and pre diabetes and blahblah. But the doctors all reassured me that this baby was here to stay. I told my parents, sister and about 3 friends. They all said they were sorry. My mom was really good about it for the first few days and now she tells me "Oh, you've grieved, you've moved on, who cares" and goes about her business. My boyfriend is somewhat relieved because he feels we weren't entirely ready and need a few more years. Also, he doesn't seem to have much emotional capacity but he does say he will be here for me. He doesn't understand to what severity this has changed me. I'm not even fully aware yet. Everyone doesn't understand why sometimes im just NOT happy. I can't make myself be happy. I don't know what the fuck im feeling and I just get pissed off!

I have no idea what im doing anymore, and I don't want to fall into a depression again- those sink me hard.

Ranting feels good.