Love and Life Can Suck in Coping

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Trying to wrap my head around the storm that came through my life…Richard.

Oh how he played a good game and once again I am left hurt. Hurt and wondering why me? Or is it something about me? Am I really that gullible? Do I have sucker or loser written on my forehead?

Richard came up and spent nearly two weeks in Ithaca, the majority of it at my apartment. Things were great other then the fact that he has a real problem with how much television he watches. He was kind, caring, considerate, helpful, loving.... LOVING.... Huh, now there’s a word that I don’t know if he fully understands.

Things were good between us, or so I thought. He went back to Yonkers saying that he was really going to miss me and that he loved me. We talked on the phone every day but he had quit chatting with me on the web site. Fine with me, as long as we were talking. Then the phone calls slowed down....and he actually asked if we had to talk every day. He started to cut the calls short saying he would call back later. Later would never come. Until tonight we hadn’t talked in over a week and before that the conversations were beginning to feel pushed, not natural at all.

I called him tonight and he told me ” I thought about things. I’ve just changed my mind. Can I call you sometime and us just be friends ?”. Once again I am left feeling used and hurt. This guy made me so many promises about how he WOULDN’T treat me and then he turned around and did exactly that. I’m just so hurt. I don’t just let a guy in to my life. He knew/knows that. I thought long and hard before I agreed to even meet him IRL . And now....???? Am I that bad a person or do I just scream “Use me, I don’t care”. All I know is I thought he was someone special, someone I could trust my every thought with. I accepted him for who and what he was and was happy again for the first time since Elton passed. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever be that kind of happy again.....because I won’t trust. I won’t let anyone tear those walls down again. I’m so hurt.

And please.... no ” I told you so’s “.