Bonjourno!
I don’t think I have anything to write about really but I wanted to check in.
Four months today I will be turning 30. I don’t feel that old at all. I am so ridiculously far away from having any of my s-word together and I really want to go in to my 30’s feeling at least a little bit in control of my life! I have also been noticing a lot more grey hairs lately. It doesn’t bother me that much but I don’t love the way it looks. I’m not sure if I really want to start dying my hair though. I’m getting pretty bored of my hair… I’m considering maybe getting a full fringe back in, or caramel-y highlights and a long bob or I might just leave it the same, lately it’s just in a messy bun. Every single day. Any suggestions?!
Personal training is going ok… I’m enjoying the exercise and I feel like I’m getting stronger, Ross has had me doing (very assisted) chin ups which is pretty exciting and I’m starting to get proper weight lifting callouses which I’m oddly proud of! I’ve added in some extra cardio with classes as well which I’ve mostly been enjoying. But I cannot get in control of my diet, I’ve had the odd day where I’ve stuck to it but most days I’m cheating in some way. I’ve stayed the same weight for the last 4 weeks. I’m thankful that I’ve not gained back any weight and I’m glad that I’ve been able to keep up with the exercise because in the past my all or nothingness would have meant that if my diet wasn’t going great then I would have given up on the exercise as well. But I do need to sort it out, I am majorly letting Ross down, the whole reason that I’m getting the sessions for free is so that he can use my transformation pictures to promote his business, that’s not really going to work if I’m still a fatty at the end of the 12 weeks!
The plan was to seriously get back on the plan today but I didn’t have a chance to prep over the weekend and I don’t really have any healthy food at home now. It’s kind of ridiculous how much I struggle with just basic things I should be able to do in my life. I have pretty much no commitments or responsibilities and I can’t even get my s-word together enough to look after myself! On Saturday I went to see Ross for an hour’s session at 8 and then worked, after work I came home, did a bit of laundry, washed up and cleaned the hob. I should have also cleaned the kitchen floor and the bathroom but I didn’t. They are both really overdue and gross but it’s so hard to motivate myself to clean when everything gets messy and dirty SO quickly again afterwards. I’m just going to have to stop whinging and man up and do it because no one else is going to. Drew’s friends came round on Saturday night to pre-drink before they went out in town so I went and hid in my room until they had gone out because I was looking rough and feeling antisocial. I could have been productive and organised my room a bit as there were clean clothes everywhere waiting to be put away but instead I got into bed, watched Netflix and went on Pinterest on my phone.. After they left I had the flat to myself, Robyn had gone back to London for the night, she was really angry that Drew had made plans to see his friends on the Saturday night and had made plans to go for lunch with me, Beth and mum on Sunday for mother’s day, they were arguing about it on Friday night and she kept saying that she doesn’t have any friends here. Like it’s his fault? I don’t really get why that means that he shouldn’t get to see his friends or hang out with his family but she was pretty furious about it but it meant that she went back to London so it worked out quite nicely for me! Paul had gone out with his friends, they had spent the day together, they’d gone for breakfast, then watched a Bournemouth football game and then gone out drinking. I got a text from him at about 10 telling me how much he loved his friends and then another one telling me he was a bit drunk, I think he is super cute when he’s drunk! So Drew and his friends left at about 9 and I ordered myself a pizza hut and ate it watching Cuban Fury. I enjoyed the food but it made me feel like poop! I went to bed at about midnight but got woken up at about 1.30 by Paul coming in, I had said that he could stay at mine if he wanted because my flat is within walking distance from the town centre. So I had a little chat with him which was really nice and he filled me in on his day, but then he fell asleep and started snoring and I couldn’t get back to sleep! I know I was still awake at 3.30 because that when I decided to put my phone away and seriously try to fall asleep but I woke up not long after I fell asleep with pins and needles from falling asleep with my arm above my head! When I got back to sleep I managed to sleep through until 6 and then I was awake for the day!
I got up just after 7 and wrapped mum’s mother’s day present and wrote in her card, I wrapped Fran’s birthday present and wrote in her card as well for Wednesday. I got in to bed for a bit of a cuddle with Paul and then had a bath and started to get ready to go out for lunch. I had to drop Paul back to his car which meant I didn’t have time to straighten my hair before Beth picked me up with mum at 12! It was really nice to spend time all together though, we went to pizza express and just had a bit of a chat and a catch up. Mum was saying that she is worried that Paul isn’t really watching what he eats at the moment because she thinks it means that I will gain weight again when I stop going to Ross. I don’t think it’s Paul’s fault that I put on weight though, it’s when I’m by myself that I binge (see Saturday night!) it’s just that Paul doesn’t make me feel rubbish about it! Ugh I really wish that I could just be a normal person and eat when I’m hungry, until I’m full, exercise because I enjoy and not spend so much time thinking and worrying about food and how much of a fatty I am! We did talk about other, nicer stuff as well though but it’s just stuff like that that sticks in my head! After lunch everyone came back to mine for a bit and everyone witnessed the hideousness of my flat, I’m actually really annoyed that mum saw my room looking messy with all my washing waiting to be put away everywhere because it’s like her and dad think that because I don’t keep my bedroom tidy, that makes it ok that Drew and Robyn don’t keep the rest of the flat tidy but I don’t really think that’s fair. I don’t care how messy their room is because I don’t have to go in there but I have to put up with the kitchen and the lounge and it sucks. I kind of wish that I could have just sold the flat and started renting somewhere or something, I know I am lucky that my family have helped me out so much but I hate being indebted to them because it means that they judge me about everything and I feel bad enough about the way I am anyway. Also they don’t know how bad I am and they judge me anyway.
When Mum and Beth left it was too late for me to do my grocery shop for the week and I was super tired from not getting much sleep the night before and from eating all the things so I did nothing and my room still looks a state and I hadn’t prepped any healthy food for the week so I’ve had another day off diet today. I just wish I could get my s-word together but everything feels like SUCH a struggle even though I know that actually it should be do-able, I just can’t seem to make myself do it!
I got a self-help book the other day, it’s called ‘You are a badass, how to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life.’ I started reading it on Friday and I just found it really disheartening because I just feel like there’s no way I can see myself doing any of the exercises or actually getting to a point where I don’t have this constant underlying feeling that I suck, and I’m going to be caught out. I will go back to it because I think that I probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind before.
Sorry for being such a downer, I know that I need to stop whinging and start doing something about it, it just feels like at the moment I’m standing at the base of this gigantic mountain of stuff that I want to fix about myself and it’s so daunting I can’t bring myself to start!
As always I am super behind with everyone here… I hope you’re all ok and I’ll try and catch up soon!
Also I haven’t proof read this as it’s too depressing! So sorry if it doesn’t make sense!
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