It’s weird how/when it hits. I could be having a completely normal day, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that should set me off, and suddenly my brain starts to roller coaster out of control.
I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but since I’ve been pregnant it’s been a lot more frequent and a lot more severe. Fortunately, I’ve found that if I explain in detail exactly what I’m anxious about to my husband, he finds a way to curve my thoughts back to me in a way that makes me look at the situation rationally.
For example: Yesterday, I was talking to my mother on the phone about my grandmother. When I had talked to my grandma earlier in the day the idea of baptizing the baby came up, and I had to explain to her for the 100th time that when Tim and I have the baby, we are not baptizing them. I’m not Christian. I have no desire to dress my child in ancient, white, frilly clothes and devote them to a ruthless God. My grandmother did her typical quiet sigh and moved on. When I told this to my mother, she just kind of laughed and the conversation continued. Once we got off the phone, my husband looked at me and said, “You know that whole conversation you had with your mother is going to get back to your grandmother, right?”
And I panicked. I started sweating and thinking about calling my mom and telling her not to tell gram I said anything because I didn’t want to cause any waves. When I told that to Tim, he made me realize something.
That’s where I get it from.
In the past, my big, gossipy mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble. In my house, in my entire family everyone gossiped about everything/everyone, especially my mother. Mom always has some shit to say about my aunt or my dad and even my friends. She always had an opinion and it always needed to be voiced. And so that’s what I did for a long time until it almost lost me several friendships and it DID lose me a few of them.
I think my problem now is that I feel guilty for the things I’ve done in the past and in quiet moments those thoughts of past indiscretions creep in and I just sit there and stew in them. And when I see my grandmother on Sunday I know that she’s going to ask me about what I said to my mom and instead of trying to make it sound like I wasn’t being gossipy I’m going to defend what I said. I’m going to make it clear to her, as nicely as possible, that it offends me when she blatantly ignores my spiritual beliefs and tries to impose her own upon me. I’m going to ask her to respect my decisions and my religious/spiritual beliefs, and we’ll move on. I’m not going to let my fear or my anxieties take control over me any more.
This kid has me on an emotional roller coaster most of the time, but I’m learning to become thankful for that.
Whooooosaaaaaaaaaah.
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