I suppose this is a bit long over due. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

Honestly I don’t even know where to start. Or even if I’m going to end up saying everything. Hell, I don’t even know how to say everything....Where should I begin?

I guess work would be an alright place to start. Sure why not.
Start with this morning? So, the store changed the system recently and instead of having the truck process start at 4 am it has moved up to 6 am. so 6am is when the first people show up....my usual time of showing up to work. So for starters this makes PDA’s rather scarce in the morning…so I have sorta cheated and left one in the desk that my TL and I sorta share. Anyway, this morning…5:50 rolls up and I head up to the door to wait for the team lead or lod or whoever to show up and open the door. As time passes, the team starts showing up until we are all there by 5:58. 6:00 and no sign of our leader. Somebody actually left at about 5 after. It wasn’t until 10 after that the lead showed up. Now I understand running a little late if the weather is bad or something like that. But guess who the lead that was opening was.....Manny!! THE STORE MANAGER!!! Late. And his response? “I didn’t realize I was the first one here today.” Ummm....okay sure. So you think you can just casually roll into work late because you are the store manager? Hell no. You are in a position of authority, and it means MORE responsibility not less. And if he is there at 10 after 6 then he was scheduled for 6....Or is it more likely he showed up 50 minutes early? HA. So no getting around it he thinks he is untouchable and can do whatever he wants. FUck that. You take a leadership position it means more responsibility. You are expected to be on time far more than the grunts. You are expected to fucking WORK!!! Oh and the backroom needed help in the morning so I postponed my responsibilities to help them, because those tasks get the product on the shelves all over the store and not just in my section. Manny walkies me and asks. “Kyle are you helping the back room this morning?” I respond yes…because that is what he would have asked me to do. But lo and behold I understand the actual process better than him adn communicate with the team to know what is going on, so I knew that was going to be needed. Manny apparently dislikes that I am faster and smarter so in some pathetic power move he says, “That’s fine, but dont forget the SDA” That’s fine? ....I don’t need your permission to do my job and do what is needed. I am a worker and everyone fucking knows it and appreciates it. And don’t forget the SDA? (Suspect Date Audit) …Oh you mean don’t forget that thing that I do every single day, and have never missed, and my team lead has missed? Sure I won’t forget that. See about that…I did the SDA first....because omg…who would have guessed that I would be aware of the priorities? Shocker right? It’s only MY JOB THAT I HAVE DONE FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW. So, I responded, “I already did the SDA for the salesfloor and the backroom sda is fine until 11.” Insinuating of course that I would grab it after finishing helping the backroom. You know…prioritizing. Seeing the tasks that need to be done, adn getting them done appropriately. Would you look at that…I’m a better lead than the god damn store manager. And guess what....the team actually knows that. I swear to you, I get asked more questions about what to do than the store manager. So continuing on....This last month I have been getting scheduled a bunch of closing shifts, and guess what....you can’t get shit done during closing shifts. Your main task is zoning. Zoning just consists of making the shelves look full....pulling the product to the front. And a few other medial tasks, but my job…my real responsibilities are impossible to do working a closing shift. So the new HR lady…kind of an idiot. Now writes the schedule and my Team lead’s and my process. And neither of us is happy about it. We have a third person who has been taking some shifts in the morning and what not, but…in the nicest way possible he is not the type of person to be able to see all the things that need done and make a plan to handle it. He is the type to be told what to do. Not really the best type of person for this part of the store. Anyway…a LOT of shit has been going undone. I haven’t been there to do it. And my TL has a bunch of other shit he has to do and a lot of the tasks I do, are time consuming. And even so I still end up saving a bunch of other teams (pricing, plano, cashier, signing, backroom, flow…etc) and still I manage to get my shit done, even when morons that think they are helping pull me away to do absolutely stupid shit. It was funny, a couple of the PLANO team members voiced that they missed having me work mornings, because they know how much I do, and that I help when I can. It’s nice knowing I am appreciated, and this scheduling has been bullshit, and my section has suffered. Obviously. Also a bunch of close-opens. (Closing one night and then opening the next morning.) And you know…I don’t mind that so much, but doing that several times in a row? Fuck that. Especially when the closing part is with Manny....who is a complete moron. February is a month where hours are tight, and well…they schedule most closing people 5-10:45....Short enough to not warrant a meal break. Well the genius Manny....decides to keep people late…like towards 11....Problem with that. You have to take a meal break (30 mins) for every 6 hours you work. …So, keeping people to 11 will cause them to hit compliance and then they get in trouble because your stupid ass doesn’t understand how scheduling works. Hopefully the scheduling will get back to normal…and apparently my yearly review was “easy to write” according to my TL....Not sure what that means. Probably good. I mean…I do everything.

What’s next? Gaming? I guess? Real quick touching on that....Well DragonBall Xenoverse is out and it is fucking great. If you play games on Steam HMU. Rock Band 4 announced today....And Frank Turner’s I Still Believe was released as free DLC which is absolutely perfect.

The new Twitch channel has launched. That also means the new YouTube is also updated. I’ve personally stream a Halo stream, a madden league game, and some Elite Dangerous....which is a great game. Not sure what else to say in the world of gaming. I play games.....If interested in the Twitch channel/YouTube…lemme know and Ill provide links

Let’s move on to the loneliness bit I suppose, and save the big for last. So obviously I am lonely as hell. Shocker. A big part of my life bailed. You all know that story. Had the audacity to say it was my choice. Point is she was super important to me, and I admit I think about her alot time to time. I miss how her and I were. And you know what I think I realized the problem. She gets into these relationships and she becomes what the dude wants her to be. She’s still herself to an extent, but not really. If that makes sense. I am 100% certain she was herself with me. And for whatever reason, she changes for the sake of these dudes she dates, and tosses me aside. SO be it. Whatever. I miss her. I loved....love....you don’t stop loving someone really....you just sorta…get fed up. Unless of course it’s something super severe or drastic. But me…shit I am a moron, and even the drastic serious shit, I still admit that I love those girls that I dated, or were close with. And if they needed me....I know I would do what I could in a heartbeat. That’s super stupid, and foolish, but I …just cant. If I loved you. I have a hard time turning my back on people I love(d). Anyway yeah…I miss her. Having that person. I miss that connection and yet, I don’t see much chance for it change with my current situation. I blocked her on FB. It’s stuck so far. The way I see it…I still have kik, I still live in the same place, still work at target, my phone number hasnt changed, I’m still accessible. Oh and I am super tired of being this kind of guy:

I’m just ognna go through this shit real quick, because I need to go to bed.

So family shit. Sister and her husband are the biggest pieces of shit ever. They have brought this whole family down. They do not contribute to anything. They will eat the food we buy for lunches or what have you, then buy more but take it up to their room and not share it with anyone. They will constantly feed the “Can you pick up__ I’ll give you $x when you get home/friday” Either that money never is seen or she gives DRASTICALLY less. They do nothign. Absolutely nothing. I’ve been wanting to go off on them for ahwile, but I can’t because anything I say gets turned around on my mother who already has enough stress courtesy of my sister and father. My father wants to give my mother all this shit because of the current financial situation…which is rough, because of the lack of contribution from the other family living in the house. Things were fine when it was 3 people and the dogs. And 2 adults…if oyu can call them taht…and 2 children....that exponentially increases the size of bills. And when my sister and her husband do not contribute to ANYTHING. Of course the financial situation is going to be shit. My father blames my mother for it instead of being a god damn adult and a husband and seeing that it is his daughter and her drug addict moron of a husband causing the problems. I do all I can....I really do. I tell my mother that if she needs money let me know. If she needs help with something ask. Etc. Etc. I do e verything I can…and I can’t do much more really. But I do what I can. Back on track, so my sister and her husband are the BIG source of all this shit, and my father chooses to ignore that, and blame my mother for the financial situation, when at the same time…he refuses to help sort and pay bills and shit. His reaosning? He doesnt want the argument or guilt when he gets frustrated and takes it out on my mother....Here’s an idea you fucking jackass…you choose to not be a part of the stuff, and then wanna talk about how “when i was in control of the bills” fuck that....man the fuck up and be a god damn husband. You wanna bitch about things but never do anything. And again he blames my mother without acknowledging the stress that my sister and her family are putting on the finances. I mean it has gotten to the point that my mother is super depressed and hopeless, and has mentioned in passing the possibility of divorce and her moving out and all this other shit, and I am just here like....FUCK! Because it gets put on my shoulders. I have to figure out a way to help support everything, and I can’t say shit or it puts more bullshit my mothers way because my sister and father are fucking cowards that cant grasp the concept of me having my own opinions and ideas…SO anything I say gets turned around on to my mother. So words won’t change anything. And anytime my mother tries to get my sister to help with finances or shit like that, she pulls some guilt trip bullshit “You want me to leave we will go.” Or uses her children to turn it around…because we can’t let their kids pay for the sins of the parents. That’s wrong. They are looking for handouts and it’s pathetic. I mean my sister and her husband are fucking handed everything.....My parents bought them a car before they were even engaged. Then they ended up getting handed multiple vehicles....Literally given vehicles....Know what I got? I had to drop out of college to pay for her wedding, because her husband’s family side refused to pay for anything except for a few hundred bucks towards booze. I have no vehicle…or license atm for that matter. I have contributed MOST of my income towards helping my family stay afloat with the fucking squatter sibling leeching away and dragging us all down. Everything I have gotten, I have completely earned myself, and if you think about how much I have contributed and shit…I could be sooooooooo much better off if it weren’t for my …helping the family. Anyway the upcoming bills are going to be tough…why? Because my sister promised money and would you look at that she bailed. So the electric bill may not be paid on time. If the bill weren’t due for another like 3 days…I could pay it. But I don’t get paid until 3 days later. That particular bill had my mother tell my sister that if she isnt going to provide some money towards the bills…that she needs to have somewhere to go because a couple month old baby can’t be in a house without power....Drama drama drama....And I find that my mother is convinced that my father will kick her out, she doesn’t have a car (Oh I gave her the temp car I bought way back when..it broke down) or a place to stay or that....so she’s convinced that if she doesnt get money she’ll be “homeless and carless with no money” I personally will do all I can to not let that happen. If it comes to that starting to take place....you bet your ass I will be saying a LOT. I am desperately trying to borrow some money from friends or work out a deal or something. I have no idea what to do…I really don’t. Seriously....everything in my life is crumbling around me. And I am doing all I can and the sad part about it....It’s not even my fault. My mother has said on multiple occasions that I will be the one to have to take care of her in old age, because she can’t depend on her daughter and she lacks faith in her husband…for good reason. He’s an asshole. But that’s just more pressure on me when I am doing all I can currently to even remotely help keep things afloat. And with my sibling and her family being a huge source of the problem, I am completely convinced that should the electric go out or that, that they will go stay somewhere else....without even a second thought towards the people that have given them a fucking roof to live under and supported them to the point that it has driven us into the ground. I have no respect for them. And should I ever actually be on my own 2 feet without holding everything else up....they get in trouble, they can go to hell. I will take in my niece and nephew but not the parents. Oh fun fact. They are waiting for her grandfather in law or whatever to die to get money in inheritance....that also being said they are apparently using his bank account…because they dont have one....oh and guess who my sister is allowing be in charge of the money…her husband…fun fact lads and lasses ....lassies? he’s a drug addict....claims to be going to meetings and shit and what not but hes not. We know he stole pain meds from my father after his surgery. So why let a fucking DRUG ADDICT BE IN CONTROL OF THE MONEY?!?!?!?!?
I am super close to having a serious talk with her in an attempt to get something.

Idk what else to say other than everything is crumbling. Even more than it already has. And I have no idea what to do. And to add on all this shit crumbling around me doesn’t help my chances of this loneliness bit ever ending.

I don’t know what to do.

King out…I guess.

Oh I should add how I don’t really have anybody to really turn to about it all. I have to maintain this facade that it’s all ok and that I am fine, and that I’m not flat out exhausted. Doing this shit solo is killing me. It really is.

Last updated March 06, 2015