Rambling in The Daily (2014)

Mom is only in her second week of radiation and the effects are already pretty brutal. She can hardly eat because the pain in her throat is so bad. She is already on morphine. And she still has to get through 5 weeks. I can’t even imagine what she will be like at the end of it.

I haven’t been able to see her since her first treatment because I got myself a super gross sinus infection that has stuck around for two weeks and I can’t risk seeing her because I am scared of getting her sick. I’ve pretty much had every kind of symptom- started with a fever and chills and horrible aches, turned into so congested I could hardly breathe, then a persistent hacking cough that kept me up all night. Went to the doctor, got put on antibiotics, which is always a scary experience since that time I got horrific hives, and now I am starting to get better. Debating whether to go to work tomorrow because, on one hand, I don’t want to risk going in before I am better and sucking at my job and getting sick again. On the other hand, holy fuck are we going to be broke.

And we are supposed to be saving. Saving for the honeymoon, saving for our wedding, saving for a place.

Which brings up another thing: My mom thinks that we should buy my cousin Shawn and Sammi’s place in Surrey. It’s a nice two bedroom apartment but they’ve outgrown it with two kids who’ve reached running around and destroying things ages and a couple of industrial sewing machines. Mom said that she would cosign on the mortgage and put $5000 (!!) towards the deposit if we could save $2000. Sammi and Shawn would then wave the rest of the deposit because of the saved realtor fees and work inherent to getting a somewhat damaged by children place sold. And I have really mixed feelings about this idea.
I don’t think mom can actually afford this. She says she has had this money set aside for a while specificly to help us get a place, but it makes me feel ashamed- Like I am incapable of doing anything on my own. I feel embarrassed by the help.
On top of that, it is scary. I want for us to have our own place, but I worry that it is too much for us right now. Everything is so up in the air. What if we can’t swing it? What if we can’t save enough? What if we can’t make the mortgage payments?
And how are we going to save any money if Liz doesn’t get a paid internship?

I also feel stupid for even thinking this is a problem, because how incredibly generous is it for my mom to even offer?

We are also way behind on wedding planning. Way way behind. It’s such a big task I feel like I can’t get started. Our wedding invites are ordered and those going internationally have been sent off. I made a Facebook group ages ago when we were first getting excited about planning and when we had unlimited space. Now I am regretting some of the people I promised an invite to. In particular, old friends I am not close to anymore. I invited Sam and Cody, for example, because they invited us to their wedding, but I am worried about how they will get along with Tom. I am scared people are going to have a bad time, or fight, that there will be boredom or drama. I guess part of me wishes we had just eloped. I think we would have been happier getting eloped.

Deep breathe

Oh! And my brother is having a baby! Which is awesome. And also sort of jealousy inducing. And also awesome. I’m going to be an Aunty :)

And mom wants me to go to Haida Gwaii with her and Janine once she is better but I don’t think I can afford it and then in the fall the whole family is doing a trip to Thailand that I think I can’t afford which means, once again, I will be the only one left behind on a family trip. I sometimes feel like they forget what is like to be 25 and just trying to get set up in the world.

Annnd want to find a new job. I am freaking out about feeling trapped in my current one. I feel like I’ve avoided applying to other world because I am afraid of failure and this job is safe.

Yesterday when I called in Andrea told me she had “good news” for me when I come back, and I don’t know really what that means. It could mean a promotion. They are short on coaches/ team leads right now because most of the office is canvassing for the transit referendum, leaving us with pretty much no leads for the Plan team. So she might be wanted to start me on a coach eval, which is what I wanted but now I am not so sure.

Basically I feel conflicted about a great number of things and scared about a lot of stuff and I am kind of rambling so I think I will sign off now. I feel terribly whiney and needlessly so.