I wonder about what I actually need vs what I want from a relationship and I find myself coming up with a blank. So periodically when something pops into my head I’ll write it down and then go back and decide whether it is an actual need vs something i want.
I have been in so many relationship that were completely vanilla and a couple that were supposed to be Dom/sub and yet I have never defined these needs and wants for myself.
Being submissive is a form of sexual expression. It doesn’t make me weak. In fact I am a very strong person. Being submissive, to me, is empowering because it is my choice. I think the key to being a good submissive is to sit down and spend a lot of time discussing in great detail what exactly does and does not turn me on and negotiating the terms of the relationship and mutually figuring out what we both want.
“The general agreement, is that the Master/Dominant is committed to meet the NEEDS, i.e. physical, psychological, emotional, of his submissive/slave. That is the limit of his requirement. The meeting of WANTS is at His/Her sole discretion. The trick lies in determining the difference between them. Only through conversation, learning, and the paying of careful attention to the submissive/slave, can the Master/Dominant begin to discern between the two, and deal with both.”
In addition to the physical needs of food, water and shelter, which are basic needs that should be met by the Dom, I need love, respect, to have self-esteem and awareness. I need to be able to show I can be responsible in some form and clearly stated expectations. But then there is the tricky part of psychological or emotional needs. Because my emotions are somewhat distorted about relationships from having difficult and unhealthy ones in the past, I have a hard time deciding whether things are actual needs as opposed to wants. Since everyone is different and has had different environmental influences on them, there is no clear set list of needs that every submissive needs. Everyone is different. I like the way this is described below.
“The psychological makeup of a human being is a labyrinth of tunnels and blind spots and clearly marked trails leading sometimes somewhere, and at others, nowhere. I know a submissive that craves physical punishment…in the vernacular, she NEEDS her ass beat, and hard, on a regular basis and when it does not happen, she becomes recalcitrant and moody. Well, is this NEED a physical or psychological NEED? On the physical side, does a good spanking remove cellulite or something? I don’t think so, nor do I think that her pain receptors in the buttocks require “fine tuning” or “exercise”. This is a purely psychological NEED…this is a part of her self-image, the one she carries inside her head, that tells her what a “good” submissive is, and what a “good” submissive provides to her Dominant. If this NEED is unmet, either in frequency or intensity, the NEED to meet her self-image is not being met and she “feels” like she is failing in her “role” within the relationship, and sometimes, in life itself. This submissive MUST be paired with a Dominant that understands this NEED of hers and is willing and capable of meeting it. For her to find a Dominant that cannot meet this NEED is going to lead to unhappiness on both sides of the equation.” “Yes, I know, a Dominant can be expected to “modify” the self-image of his submissive and sometimes this is sorely needed, especially if the self-image of the submissive is harmful or destructive to themselves. These “self-images” must, in my opinion, be changed, but first, the Dominant must achieve that level of trust and control to begin to modify the psyche of the submissive in a positive way. It is not an easy task, to modify years of “self-training”, especially if the “self-training” is a result of years of psychological abuse designed to erode the self-image of the submissive and “break” her will. But, it can be done and, in my opinion, should be done. A lot of love, a lot of respect, a lot of attention to detail, and a lot of patience will be required but a submissive with a strong and HEALTHY self-image is a delight and well-worth the effort.” “Another NEED that I have seen over and over is the NEED to serve, to be of service to the Dominant in the relation- ship. To be disallowed that service can be devastating to that person that NEEDS to feel the weight of their service. This NEED can be easily met, but first, must be recognized as a NEED by the Dominant.” “Another general NEED that I have identified among submissives is the NEED to progress, to grow in their roles, to be taken further along their road. This is a role the Dominant MUST play in the relationship. A static relationship can be terribly destructive to both parties in a relationship…and it often leads to a dissolution of the relationship, sometimes in a most acrimonious manner. Growth can take many forms and can involve many aspects of the BDSM relationship. Growth can be in the areas of personal responsibility, or trust, or any other area within the relationship.” “WANTS, in my definition, are those things a Dominant or submissive feels would be an adjunct to their life. Food is a need, a chocolate sundae with whipped cream and sprinkles surely classifies as food, but so does broccoli. Many things in our lives fall into those two categories, sundaes and broccoli. Some represent healthy nutrition for the body while others offer something else. Remove a sundae from the diet and you might get a temper tantrum, but the body will be nourished by the broccoli. Failure to meet a NEED can cause physical, emotional, or psychological damage where failure to grant a WANT will not. Beginning to see the difference? Well, not so fast, NEEDS can masquerade as WANTS and vice versa. Only through communication and intense study of the submissive can the Dominant clearly see what represents a NEED in the submissive’s life and what merely represents a WANT. DO NOT expect to be an overnight expert in Your submissive and DO expect to make a mistake now and again. But DO listen and DO communicate and DO be aware of the feedback you get, in whatever form it may take. Remember, You took the job. Do it.” http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/submissive_needs_wants.html
WANTS
I want to play frequently, much more frequently than he chooses to.
I want him to do new things to me or more elaborate things to me than he already does.
I want to feel intensely.
I want him to act like one of those dominants in the fiction books: tie me up and chain me in a dark, cramped cell overnight; have me kneel at his feet every second of the day unless he has something else for me to do; whip me constantly, so I’m always bruised or welted; make me walk around naked or half-naked at all times; you know, all the usual fantasy crap. And I want him to do this every single day, not just on special occasions!
I want him to be meaner to me, more strict, more stern, more rigid, more demanding and not be so nice whenever I ask him for something. I want him to refuse me, arbitrarily, or just for fun.
I want never to freak out or yell at him, never get upset, never get resistant, never feel like a bad submissive.
I want him always to know, instantly, the right thing to say to calm me down and bring me back to my submissive self when I am upset.
NEEDS
I need to feel completely safe with him and to be able to trust him with anything I might bring up or that might happen.
I need to be able to trust his stability and know that he won’t freak out, no matter what I throw at him.
I need to feel actually controlled and owned and overpowered by someone who enjoys controlling another person and is not doing it simply to please me.
I need to know that when we have kinky sex he is truly sadistic and gets sexual enjoyment from doing what he does to me. It would crush me if I thought he were doing it just to “get me off.”
I need to know I cannot get away or escape from him, even if I wanted to. (Believe it or not, for someone who is strongly submissive, this is part of her “safety” need).
I need to feel obedient to him, and I need to know that he’s in charge and making all the major decisions (not because I can’t–making large decisions is easy and even fun for me–but because if I were to make them, I would feel like the one in control of the relationship, a feeling that I hate).
I need to know that I cannot bully him or push him or manipulate him or talk him into into doing whatever I want, into being some sort of perfect RoboDom.
I need to know he can solve any serious problems that come up between us.
http://www.the-iron-gate.com/essays/362
Here is the part where it gets interesting, where I have to figure out for myself what it is that i want and find out how much of what I want is actually a need, and if i can establish the difference between the two for myself. I suppose it is an ever evolving list that I will be creating. Hopefully I have a pretty good concept of what the two different things mean. I’m not against reading to educate myself in order to make educated decisions. I know how to make decisions. I just don’t want to.
I know what I want from life.
An adventure.
I want to explore his body with my eyes closed and my fingertips tracing over every hill and valley of the contours of his body.
I want to make goosebumps erupt from his skin, erect and making the hair stand on end.
I want to stare into his eyes and get lost in them.
I want to press my body to his and have him encircle me with his arms, protecting me from the world.
I want to be stimulated to the point where my body is vibrating with intensity.
I want it often.
I want it daily.
I want to be a sassy little badass just so I can be punished for it later and I want the punishment to be something desirable.
I want to go on dates to fancy places and do things I have never done before so i can share exciting new experiences with him.
I want him to know everything I am thinking, all the time, by just looking into my eyes, as if he could read me like a book, and knew every word of my story, without saying a word.
I want for him to be able to order for me at restaurants, because he knows me so well.
I want to role play with him, including but not limited to fully enacting out a rape fantasy with weapons and the real threat of physical violence.
I want him to make me scared, so scared that I can’t help but smile and back away, ready to take flight, ready to have him pursue.
I want him to push my limits.
I want to explore.
I want him to offer me information about his feelings instead of having to pry and dig to get him to say them.
I’m sure there are many other things I want at any given time, but I think I should establish some of the things I actually need first.
I need patience, because I am often a slow learner, but I promise to always try my hardest to accomplish the things that I say I will.
I need respect, because if you can’t respect my limits, how can I trust you?
I need food and water for nourishment and to stay healthy.
I need shelter.
I need attention.
I need love.
I need him to have an even temper.
I need stability.
I need him to be assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive.
I need to serve, so I can feel useful and raise my self-esteem.
I need to trust him and for him to trust me. With no trust there is no relationship.
I need communication everyday, at least once.
I need understanding.
If I think of any new needs or wants I will add them in an edited version. But for now it is definitely time for bed. I could probably go through the alphabet and list a want and a need for each letter of the alphabet. But then I would never sleep and I need sleep.
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