It happened 9 years ago when I was 16 and I still can’t block it out. Whenever I’m alone it creeps back to my thoughts. When will it stop?
I’ve always wondered what will happen to my diaries that are bundled all up together in the blue bag in my bedroom. What will happen to them if anything ever happens to me? So many secrets and thoughts that should be locked away forever. The thought of anyone reading them just makes me mad. I remember when I caught two of my sisters reading my first ever diary and going mental at them.
I’m absolutely devestated that I’ve lost both of the diaries from teenopendiary and opendiary. I last logged into opendiary in 2013 and remember thinking I need to print these off. I wish I had. I’ve lost so much that my memory cannot remember everything from my teens..
The reason I have opened this new diary is to get these thoughts out. I spoke to my friends last night that told me I should always talk to them and didn’t realise it still got to me because I stopped talking about it. I remember thinking back then that I can’t keep going on about it they’ll get bored of hearing. My friends said I should see a doctor to talk about it. J says she thinks I’ve got Post Natal Stress Disorder. I’d never heard of it before but it does sound like what I am going through. If I write my entries on here I can get out as much as I need to. I just feel pathetic.
I sit here pulling my own hair out as I think of how to get started. I get some pain from it but it comforts me in a way also. I thought I was the only one until I googled it a few years ago and found out there’s actually a name for this thing I make a freak of myself by doing it. It’s called Trichotillomania. Even the name of it makes you sound like a freak. It’s an uncontrolled self inflicted eplilation of hair. I have the inability to stop, I can’t. I don’t exactly the first day I did it but it happened just after what happened to me. It’s not just the hair from my head, but my stomach too. Wish I eventually was able to stop doing it on my stomach. I notice I do it when I’m stressed or trying to concentrate, sometimes not even noticing I’m doing it until I’m surounded by hair. God, I wish I could stop.
I’ll write about what happened over my next few entries. It’s a bit too much for me to go into everything on the first.
I’ll write later on.
~ C x
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