I am SO FRUSTRATED. I just spent the last 20 minutes writing an entry and accidentally hit some button and poof… All gone. So I’ll start over I GUESS.
Baby is the size of a lentil today. Yesterday was the WORST nausea I have ever experienced in my life and I had zero relief. No vomiting… Just all day nausea caused by ANYTHING. My nose was hypersensitive and I couldn’t come in contact with anything that could potentially have a scent. I’m fairly certain a few of my coworkers know what’s going on because I was sitting at the desk with saltines and water trying not to vomit everywhere. But everyone is too polite to ask because of the miscarriage so I don’t have to say anything until I’m ready to.
My nerves are going to be on edge this week. This was about the time that I lost the baby during my last pregnancy. I’m waiting on a call from Rebecca, the CNM at my OB, to tell me the levels from my HCG tests. They tell you that the levels should be doubling, but apparently they only need an increase of about 60% to be considered still “viable”. I really hate that word. Viable. It just seems dirty to me.
Also, I was looking through my lab results from all of the blood work I had done (and a urine culture) and you know what? They don’t post the results of the HCG draw. I guess that’s probably for the best so women don’t drive themselves crazy, but it’s also kind of frustrating. I should have full access to all of my labs. Especially since I WORK at the hospital. Honestly, I could have pulled up my patient file when I was working the other night but they REALLY don’t want people doing that because of HIPPA and all that garbage.
Also, when I was going through my “past conditions” in my Patient Portal, I have 2 listed. One is a miscarriage and one is an Abortion. I fucking hate that word. Technically, yes, I had to “abort” my STAGNANT PREGNANCY, but that wasn’t until after development had stopped and my body wouldn’t naturally miscarry. I hate that every time I go to look at my records that word is staring me in the face like some evil monster from my past. It’s bad enough that I had to stick 4 pills up inside of myself so that I could avoid infection/opt out of a D&C, but now every time I want to see my medical history I have to be reminded of it. I know that there was nothing I could do at that point (I had been carrying a stagnant pregnancy inside of me for a month so I had no other choice) but to this day I still feel guilty. Part of me still feels like I killed my baby. I know that’s ridiculous. But it’s honest.
It’s almost noon and I still haven’t eaten yet today. I discovered yesterday that almond butter and granny smith apples are my saving grace. I can handle the smell, the taste, and the texture. It’s a win-win.
What else. I don’t have to work today. For once a snow storm has fallen on my day off and I can actually enjoy being snowed in. I plan on spending the day writing, working on getting some rituals written, meditating, and working with my tarot/oracle cards. I’ve been taking my days off as some serious time for introspection and I’m finding myself to be much more relaxed and level-headed in my every-day life. It’s nice to be content with myself. Spending time with myself. And being by myself. I’m enjoying all of this recent me-time. I think it’s absolutely something I used to take for granted and never fully appreciated.
Well, That’s all I suppose. I just checked the bank account and we got our state return in, so I am going to go spend all of that money on paying off our credit cards. Fun!
Blessed be. <3
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