Mac is a girl I work with, who I used to be close with. Sticking with traditions from my earlier writing days on opendiary names will be changed here, to hideous interpretations of their given names. Anyway we used to be on the same team and we got close to each other, like family. She used to flirt around a lot with me but I would never rise to it. I always worried that we were not compatible but undeniably I did fancy her. We used to joke about getting married and having a baby, she used to call me her baby father.
Fellow work colleagues would tell me off for going for totally unsuitable girls that were not interested in me, telling me how that Mac adored me. During this time she endured me going after these other girls and how I would constantly tell her about it not working out. There were times where I would purposely talk about other girls in front of her as I wanted her to get the message that I wasn’t interested in her that way. Yes I was a bit of a jerk.
So I had my giant mega epiphany on life and love while in Nepal (see last entry). Just before I left I handed her a note that asked her out and said that I had been a fool chasing after everyone but her, how she was actually my number one. At the time I had realised how good we could be.
So I came back to what? The cold shoulder. She was not having any of it. See I don’t think women like that, if you’re not interested when they are then and you you decide to change your mind later. Eh?
She proceeded to not talk to me. I was going through a hard patch in my life and it really wasn’t helped by her. To the point that everything that I had lent her had to be given back to me and would be left on my desk with a post-it note. That every time I would even speak to her would be some sort of burden to her. She would just be really moody with me too. Every lunch time I would just leave the building so that I could be away from her and work. I would sit in a park nearby smoking my lungs away. On top of the awkwardness with her I wasn’t particularly enjoying my work, which wasn’t anything to do with her but it didn’t help.
There is a whole catalogue of things that have annoyed me.
- She was covering one of my shifts when my Mum was in hospital – she didn’t even ask me if I was okay.
- Every time I’d try to clear the air she would just argue with me. How she didn’t feel any need to talk to me anymore. Nothing was her fault.
- Even though we were awkward I would wish her good luck for job interviews. She walked passed me when I was waiting for mine and said nothing to me.
- I gave her a birthday present that was a song I recorded for her. She then told me that she hadn’t bothered listening to it in a really blasé way. There was no need to even tell me that even if it was true.
- I was arranging a shindig for one of our ex team members that was pregnant and she actually pretended that she didn’t know she was pregnant (even though later it transpired that she was jealous of this person and she actually told her about the pregnancy). Weird.
- She would always give me grief for taking pictures of her and putting them on facebook but it was acceptable for her to pose with people doing stupid ‘positions’ at the Christmas party. (I know it’s lame but it annoyed me!)
- One of my work colleagues Percy had a heart attack and died on me during lunch. I saw the whole thing. She never even asked how I was doing. Even at the funeral as everyone knew I had seen the whole thing even complete strangers were asking me if I was okay. This hurt a lot.
To be honest I’ve mentioned only the negatives but then it wouldn’t give the right affect to list the relative positives. I sensed something was wrong with her but all I got was this wall. I started to realise that whatever we used to be was never going to be again. That as much as it didn’t make sense for her to not be welcoming me into her arms something wasn’t right with her now and as much as I tried to fight it we had lost each other.
So there was only one way that I could really deal with it. Phase her out of my life, yes kind of immature but how I dealt with it. I stopped talking to her unless it was work related. I got a promotion and moved across the floor so that I was physically away from her; this made it a hell of a lot easier. We have reached a kind of normality where we can talk if it’s work related or if we’re sitting around other people and they involve us in the conversation we can talk to each other kind of indirectly.
I totally utterly avoid talking about other women in front of her now. I told her once that as a rule we shouldn’t. I didn’t want her to feel like I was ‘trying’ to make her jealous and I didn’t want to feel like she was doing the same to me. She then accused me of telling her what to do and being controlling. That wasn’t the point I was trying to get across but okay.
I have been involved with someone (Katrina) in the interim but it didn’t work out (it was me that ended it, another entry coming about last summer!). I didn’t feel the need to brag about it at the time I find it really tacky when people feel the need to do so. I find it especially tacky when people feel the need to publicise it on facebook too, especially when they don’t know what is going on themselves. I banned Katrina from posting anything on facebook about ‘us’.
I am really good friends with people that are on Mac’s team, they are my closest friends where I work, so inevitably I do chat to them and even though she is earshot away I forego that awkwardness because they are my friends. As we were going out on Friday we were having that typical conversation that takes places in offices around the world, you know the ‘you coming out on Friday?’ type conversation.
One of the girls was joking around with me about finding one of the other girls a man. Mac decided to interject with how ‘all men were useless’. There was a slightly awkward silence where everyone was looking at me, as they knew about me and her, and Mac said ‘no offence’. I just responded with a mumble of ‘oh no I am a fucking arsehole’.
One of girls broke up the conversation with how they would find me someone and I was just joking around about how relationships suck and I don’t want be taking someone else’s needs above mine (more about the summer in another entry!) and then yet again Mac interjects.
‘Oh yeah they are, just keep a man around for only one use’.
Now this is odd as we don’t really talk at all at the moment so why bring this up in ear shot of me?
Anyway on the actual Friday I went up to the girls again to check what was happening and the conversation came up again of how they were going to find me someone. I once again said I didn’t feel a desperate need to hook up with anyone (due to the summer’s events) but stopped short of mentioning Katrina in front of Mac. This time round she was quiet and did not interject. Now remember this moment when I reference it later!
So later we all end up outside on the way to this bar. Mac is meeting us outside. Low and behold she is bringing a man! Why didn’t anyone fucking tell me she’s ‘with’ someone?!?!?! I am being a chivalrous piece of shit for nothing! I can talk about banging Katrina’s brains out over the summer with no guilt! Okay that sounds a bit crass and is not my style to talk like that by the way, but you get my point? After the weirdness with Mac what do I fucking owe her? Why do I have to be so nice?
So that was awkward. The guy was talking to me being nice. Mac put a pretence of being ‘normal’. I say normal in quotations as I felt it was for the benefit of the guy. It was weird for me still but I acted normal. When someone asked me to grab wine glasses from the bar I saw Mac already cueing and just asked her to bring some over.
As the night went on and Mac got drunker and louder I started to realise that it was actually a lucky escape. She was shovelling shots down her throat and I thought if you’re so happy that you’ve brought ‘your man’ out with you surely you’d be more content?
But again I guess this is my perception. The problem is we believe what we want to believe sometimes. I wanted to believe that she’s so messed up and shit that she has been the way she has with me. I wanted to believe that while I was running off during the summer getting laid that she was indoors hand rearing orphan kittens, to keep her company for when she grew up to be a spinster left all alone with only 16 cats and a picture of me in my 30s for company!
As the night went on my awkwardness disappeared but I have to be honest, I don’t feel the need to make an effort with her anymore. Because some of the stuff that happened and how she acted with me means I cannot go back to a normality. This is funny as I was the one advocating normality after I asked her out. It’s not me being bitter but just accepting and realising that this is it between us. I don’t want to fight for us anymore. That is it.
I was making effort to chat to some of the ladies in attendance that night. I was chatting to this girl who is a friend of a friend, I hit it off with her before and apparently she thinks I am sweet. I hadn’t seen for about a year so I was just trying to have a conversation with her. I didn’t realise that Mac knew her too and then she started up some conversation with her about how we should all get what we want. Bizarre. Or perhaps I am looking too deeply again? That this once again goes back to me seeing what I want to see.
Anyway Mac suddenly turned to me, said yeah do you agree, and tried to high five me. I didn’t reciprocate. I just said well no because if we all bloody did whatever the hell we want we’d have a very selfish world. Who would look after the less fortunate? Me and my staunch socialism again!
She then turned to this girl I was chatting to and said ‘oh look at him getting all deep and philosophical!’ I rolled my eyes and I just thought please just fuck right off and let me talk to this girl! Please just fuck off next to your man who you are so happy to be with and carry on getting off your face! I am just trying to speak to this girl who may possibly want to sleep with me! Please go away!
Mac suddenly said ‘oh you finished being all deep then, hope we’re all friends’ and high fived me. This time I reciprocated and then promptly turned to the girl I was trying to chat to and carried on.
I didn’t come across Mac again for the rest of the night and made a bee line after her and the guy got up to leave. Nothing is ever going to make sense to me and I just find it hard that she would say some of the things she has said lately when we really haven’t had a full on conversation since 2012. I don’t know if it pains her that we are the way we are but then why should I care after all of this? I don’t mind she is seeing someone but I guess I don’t need to be so respectful about her feelings because she really hasn’t been with mine. But still it would’ve been good if someone had forewarned me about who she was bringing along Friday night!
Anyway I hope this is closure for me. I am not going eat myself up about why this is the way it is now. There was a time when she really was a light for me but all that has faded away. Maybe that’s my fault for rocking the applecart but I don’t believe what I did anything that was out of the blue. If you flirt around with someone there can be consequences, and we lost our friendship.
Oh what a beautiful mess it would have been.
Music listened to during the composition of this post:
The Score From The Motion Picture 500 Days Of Summer - Mychael Danna & Rob Simonse
http://open.spotify.com/album/0tLIDejGq5klLJWbXzJ7EC
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