So, there is so much to say, I don’t know where to start.
My son, the light of my life, he is 2. Practically a man, I say! He has been sick for the last couple of months, but he is in daycare now, and boy do those germs pass around like a boss. He is talkative and home, but very shy to warm up to others. He is generally good-natured, and he is definitely NOT a morning person. It’s amazing and overwhelming to see him developing a personality. He asks a lot of questions and repeats everything (he says “oh shit!” on his own, bad mom I know). He is really the best thing that has ever happened to me. He explores and learns and grows so quickly, I can hardly keep up with it! Today he told me he loves Elsa (you know, from Frozen). Elsa. Really. He loves to color and build and destroy. He is also very sensitive. He is a mama’s boy to the max, and I’m not sorry about that. He likes to climb and cries when he falls, but I let him do it because that’s just how I roll. I have tried so hard to remember every day of his life, but it all is smushed into one huge Grayson-fest. He is 2. 27 months to be exact (but I HATE when people give their child a birth amount in months when they’re this old). He likes cheese. A lot. It’s his favorite food. I let it go (not a Frozen reference, damn Elsa!!!).
So, about that father of his…man. Ok, so sometimes it doesn’t work out. For whatever reason. My reason? I changed. I became a different person, inside and outside. I lost a ton of weight (gastric bypass), went to college (earned a MA), became a mother… generally grew up. Which for us meant growing apart. I begged him to go to counseling, to try to find a middle ground. He refused to even discuss it. It was so bad that in one of the few counseling sessions he attended, our counselor said we seemed completely incompatible and didn’t think we’d be able to work it out. We didn’t. It got to a place where all we did was fight and I just gave up. I’d sit in my car in the driveway crying because I didn’t want to go inside. There were no kind words left to be said. We were in the midst of yet another fight one day and I told him I didn’t love him and I wanted him to leave. That was it. Really, they are words you can never take back, so once said, that’s it. I said them and he left. We both knew. I remember talking to a friend before I married him and telling her I didn’t think it would last. But once you’re that far…Anyway, we were friendly for a bit. A few months. Until I started seeing someone else seriously. I know he was angry. He gets to feel his feelings. Then he started seeing someone (it was an actual relief!) and she is just crazy. No joke, she’s had 32 criminal charges against her, 2 of which will head to court in February, and 4 restraining orders. There has been a complete and utter breakdown of anything resembling a relationship between us. Grayson now only sees his dad every other weekend and that’s it. It’s incredibly saddening, but I cannot have my son in an environment that is full of criminal activity. My lawyer advised me to do it, and while it was hard, I think it’s the right thing. The last time Grayson came home from his visit, he told me he hated me. It makes you feel good as a mother when those words fall prematurely from a 2 year old’s mouth.
Honestly, I know that sometimes it comes across as quite selfish, but I did have to do what was best for me this time. I couldn’t take it anymore. The amount of anger that was here, it just was so terrible. I didn’t want to hate him. But as it turns out, I do. Hopefully that’ll change some day, but for now, it just has to be what it is. I’m at peace with it…mostly.
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