I'm not looking for pity because I had a shitty childhood. Most of it wasn't. The parts that were made me wonder if I could even be normal. All I knew growing up was yelling and not holding on how you felt.
I had a fantasy that when I was able to get away I would never do that.
Jokes on me ... You can't just unlearn what is ingrained. You can't un-marinade a steak..no matter how much heat or pressure - that flavor is there.
I either created or ended up with someone I spent my childhood trying to get away from. Maybe it is because those moments of peace that I mistook for love pushes me towards the same personalities.
I honestly just want a human experience where the person sitting across from me can hear me when I say - I don't like (insert whatever) and not get flack over it. Why can't the other person just say - I hear you...I understand you don't like it or don't want to. Is there a way I can help motivate you? - this is what I do! It's what I always do! I support your ass even when the only meaningful conversations we have are the chores you want done at that moment.
It's my fault though. I waited until now to say something and all of a sudden I'm an asshole for it. I didn't say anything before because I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being forced to pay for my life and yours if we split. I'm paying for it either way. There's always one rule - it doesn't matter if I have feelings...all that matters is that yours doesn't get disrupted.
And this is why men die first... We want to.. it's better that way. It's the gift of escaping first.
Of course... This is today.. at some point I would suspect a leg to wrap around me, the eyes to soften, the kiss on the neck ...to be made to feel like a king for a little while...just to wake up in the morning with a laundry list of to-do's and the reasoning of "you can't complain after a night like last night.."
Maybe, I just say no this time.. but there again - you probably don't care.
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