It’s been almost a year since I’ve last written in this journal. I guess I just forgot about it. My mental state has been pretty rough lately, and I’ve been told to begin journaling again.
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I feel like every time I make progress in my healing, it backtracks. Some days I feel euphoric. Other days I’ll be so depressed I don’t want to get out of bed.
It’s not good for me. So maybe when this next school year starts again, I’ll find motivation in work. After all, schedules help me get back on my feet. The school I go to is a bit rigorous when it comes to homework, especially with high schoolers.
More work means more hiding in it. Of course, that’s definitely not a good way to cope. But my main coping mechanism is food, so I don’t really care if it’s good or not.
I have mood swings. It’s been like this since I was a kid. Some months they’re not bad. Others, I feel like I’m on some kind of drug forcing me to stay awake.
I’ll wake up and cry, get ready and cry, laugh at something randomly, burst out into dancing, get irrationally angry at something minor, and then cry again because I feel pathetic just like how I felt when I was a kid.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, healing definitely isn’t linear. And the deep rooted issues I have won’t magically disappear with each step forward. I’ll have to learn how to regulate myself and live with my heavy trauma, even if it means having to restart the progress over and over again.
Also, my birthday is coming soon. Probably another reason as to why I’m not doing so well.
I’ll end this here. Goodbye.
June 30, 2025
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