...it also sometimes gives you papercuts... and whatever you do to try to make lemonade, the papercuts seem to hurt more than it's worth.
A solid 18 months has come and gone between my entries. For a while there, I was still checking in daily to see how everyone was doing, but as time went on, many of my faves slowly tapered off and disappeared, or my interest in coming back simply waned.
Well... it's been one hell of an 18 month period... and I don't have a single friend outside of my wife, so where else to turn to get some worries off my chest?
So here goes.
Firstly, yes, it's true. I don't have a single friend outside of my wife. I want to confirm that this is by choice. I had a really close friend who I'd known since the 6th grade. We were the best man at each other's weddings. But that relationship went to shit after 30+ years of loyalty and I was no longer willing to be walked on. So... I left and cut it clean out of my life. I've been pretty happy ever since. Friends are all too much effort for what they're worth.
Secondly, meh. I don't even know where to start. My wife and I routinely go 7-8 weeks without sex and that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that it really doesn't bother her. If I don't mention anything, she'll go the rest of her days without it. And when I do work up enough courage to speak my mind, she'll answer with something benign like "hmm... yes, you're right" then awkward silence. The problem is that I have 3 adult children still living in my tiny house and my wife refuses to have sex with anyone in the house at all. Probably wouldn't be an issue except that my oldest son is a true recluse and a hermit. He NEVER leaves the house. Despite my efforts to manufacture things for him to do outside of the house, he always finds a way to take everything I've asked him to do and squeeze them all into one afternoon when I'm at work, which of course doesn't help me at all. Last week I opened up and told my wife that I wanted to be more of a priority in her life. I want her to acknowledge that my love language is physical touch (mind you, it doesn't have to be sexual in any way... a hug here, a hand hold there... it fills up the tank). That, of course, makes it difficult because her love language is personal space. It boggles the mind how two people so drastically different from one another could have stayed together for 32 years. We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last August (epically I might add, but that's for another entry).
Hmmm... what else? My daughter (and I feel all my kids) truly hate me. How do I know? Because she tells me quite often. I'm apparently the reason why her life is as terrible as it is and why she is incapable of dealing with any kind of emotional stress. Now, for my oldest, I get that. I was a terrible father and a total dick that used my father as the only reference point for parenting (which mind you, is a terrible idea since he is a narcissistic asshole). But by the time she came around, I was fully medicated and really in touch with my feelings and going to therapy to understand how my actions affected other people. So I truly don't understand what it is I did to ruin her life. When I ask, she tells me that it's just too painful to talk about so I truly feel like that one guy high school dropout in a cocktail party of Nobel Laureates all discussing cold fusion while I nod and laugh nervously.
And yes, we do fight. Kind of a lot, it seems. But in my defense, it's because I truly hate, wait, sorry... I said that wrong... I truly HATE her boyfriend. He's 22/23, and she's 19. They met when she was 14 and he was 18. And for a long time she lied to me saying that he was a good friend and that he had a girlfriend. I think this guy is a real creep and shady as all get out. What kind of an 18 year old is attracted to a 14 year old. I get it... if they had met now, at 19 and 23, I likely wouldn't have blinked an eye. But to me, this creepy ass old man groomed a 14 year old to be attracted to him so that he could snatch her up when she turned "legal". I can't begin to tell you how much I hate this guy.
You wanna know how much I hate him? I hate him so much that I'm in the process of adjusting my estate so that upon my wife's and my passing, all our assets transfer into the trust of which my 4 kids are equal trustees. They are all entitled to 25% each of all the assets in the trust. However, if she is still with this guy (regardless of how old anyone is), her 25% goes into an escrow holding account managed by a trustee until such a time as she is no longer with him. If at any time, she returns to him, the assets freeze and are returned back to the original trust. If she should marry him and go to the end of her days with him, then her assets default to her children so long as they do not financially support their parents in any way. If they do, the trust executor takes back over. Yes, it's petty and vindictive, but it's my money and I can do what I want with it and I'll be damned if this asshole gets any of it.
Moving on. My father in law has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Somehow he's fighting it and still hanging on. He's one of two father figures I've had in my life that ever taught me anything and that ever treated me like a son, so news of his condition hit me hard. Having said that, he's the most Type A personality you've ever met. He has been systematically putting his affairs in order, transferring ownerships and assets to my wife. He even arranged his own cremation. Apparently, the morgue is going to be notified upon his passing, they're going to pick him up, cremate him, put him in a pre-chosen turn and ship him back to us via FedEx, postage paid. He explains it all to us like he's telling us how to water his plants while he's on vacation.
What's terrible is that biggie was right... 'mo money 'mo problems. There are 6 people, all with equal rights to the money being passed on after his passing. 1 of them gets 50% of the estate because it comes from his mother (my father in law's sister). The remaining 50% (my father in law's share) gets split 5 ways (4 kids, plus his current wife). But here's the kicker, he always had a bad relationship with his son so he cut him out of the trust. He gets nothing. So the remaining 4 are splitting it all up and my wife, Ms. goody-two-shoes feels terrible that her brother is cut out. But she also knows that if she argues, she'll get cut out so she stays quite despite what she thinks. It's no paltry sum. When all is said and done, my wife's 25% share brings in enough money monthly so that it completely dwarfs my annual salary (which is, in it's own right, quite good). And that doesn't even take into account my dad's assets which dwarf my wife's net worth. So like I said... 'mo money 'mo problems.
Last little bit of lemon juice in the eye of my life? I found out today that my dog may have stage 4 lung cancer. Like... what the fuck. seriously? He's 9, so in the grand scheme of things, has had a good run, but it's never easy to lose a loved one. Especially when I can't do anything to ease his pain. The tests come back tomorrow, at which point we'll have to make the tough decision. In the mean time, he's coughing up blood and generally looking not well. I can't give him pain meds because he won't eat anything. The vet sedated him, and God he's one heavy dude... we have to carry him everywhere since he's fully sedated. The very thought of it makes me weep. And looking at him makes it worse, but I know that while sedated he's not in pain, so I'm coming to terms with it.
In his 9 years, he's been a total pain in the ass. He's animal aggressive so he barks and lunges at any other animal - real or fake. He'll bark at the TV, statues, pictures, his own damn reflection. He also loves to get into the garbage. We even have "tamper resistant" garbage cans. I guess resistant is not tamper proof. So when he started coughing up blood this morning I simply thought he'd gotten a piece of hard plastic tupperware stuck in his throat and that a simple (albeit expensive) surgery would fix him right as rain. When the vet said Cancer, I was dumbfounded and disconnected for a solid minute. It just did not compute. He was perfectly fine yesterday, you know? He will be the 3rd dog I've lost in 25 years. One died unexpectedly when she was 7. It turns out he tore her ACL playing and ended up not eating for a while. We didn't notice because my other dog was clearing out both bowls. My other dog lived until she was 14. She had liver failure so we had to put her down, but 14 years old was far beyond the life expectancy of a big black lab, so we knew we gave her a great life. Now my 9 year old is at the point of having to be put down too and I'm heart broken about it.
So much more to talk about as it's been an eventful 18 months, but i'm going to sign off, jump in my car, head home, and spend what little time I have left with my dog.
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