After I pushed Maddy out, the nurses and my sister took her to a different room to give her a bath, take pictures, put together footprints,handprints, and other things they thought I may want later. Initially (in maybe the first couple of hours after the u/s) I had thought I would not want to see her at all because it would be too difficult. I wanted them to put me to sleep, or to give me drugs that would numb my emotions.I made them promise that if it was too hard for me to see her that they would take her out of the room immediately after I delivered her. I feel guilty now that I even had those thoughts. I can’t imagine now what I would feel if I had not seen her. She was such a perfect little girl. I only have one picture of her so far (thanks Jen for enhacing it!!!). My ob talked with me and explained that it was important for me to feel what was happening (physically and mentally) because it would help give me closure.
My sister Emily was so strong for me. It gives me so much peace to know she was with Maddy during that time. I wish I had been brave enough to watch them wash her, but in reality I don’t think I could have gone, even if I wanted to. I was still hooked up to the epidural, and was being stiched up from the small tear I got. After a few minutes I asked Will, and my in-laws to go see what was happening, but they were kindly told that nobody else could go in the room while they were doing these things. I’m not sure why? I guess it doesn’t matter.
I can’t remember much of what happened between the time Maddy was delivered (7:40ish a.m. Tuesday morning), and the hour or so before they brought her in to see me.
I just remember when they brought her in to me that my room was full of my family. My mother and father in law, my mom and dad, my sisters (Emily and Sarah), my brothers (Jason, Dan, and Adam). They wheeled her in my room in the “normal” baby bed that you see at the hospital, and Karen (the grief counselor) handed her to me (after assuring me that her appearance was that of a sleeping baby and I didn’t need to be afraid- I had been really concerned that she would come out severely deformed because maybe we had missed something during her ultrasounds). We couldn’t for sure identify the cause of her death until she was delivered, which then showed that the cord was wrapped tightly around her neck twice. This caused a kink in the cord which led to her not receiving the nutrients/oxygen she needed. Apparently this is very rare at such a late stage in pregnancy. My doctor told me that fetal death at this point in pregnancy usually only happens if the mom has been in a bad accident, or if there were complications throughout the pregnancy. She was wearing a little white christening gown that was made from wedding dresses that people donate for these times. She was wrapped in two purple little blankets (also donated), which will now go into her memory box.
I can’t remember very much of holding her. Oh how I wish I could!! I just remember that she felt like a normal baby in weight and size. She had dark hair, and the same pointy little chin that Abby has. I remember kissing her forehead and being shocked that she was already so cold. I looked at her perfect little hands and feet. Later my brother and I laughed because she had a nose that resembles my mom’s family I have the same nose and hate it, but it looked adorable on her little face.
I didn’t want to be weird or creepy, but it was really important to me that everyone held her. I have never seen my brothers cry, but each of them cried as they held her. More than anything, I did not want her to be set back down in the bassinett. She stayed with us for about two and a half hours before my father-in-law held her and said a blessing. I just cried and cried. After the blessing was done, I felt like I was ready for them to take her out of the room. We knew we were going to do a traditional funeral and burial and now it was just waiting for them to pick her up. I really wanted someone to carry her as they took her out of my room, but the nurses said we had to put her back in the bassinett. I’m not sure who (my mom maybe?) walked with them as they took her wherever it is that they took her.
Slowly my family and I said our good-byes until it was just me, Will, and my parents left. I desperately wanted to get out of that hospital. The nurses encouraged us to stay and sleep as they wanted to monitor my bleeding. I tried to sleep for an hour or so, but my mind just kept racing. They discharged us around 2:15. My parents walked with the funeral people as they put Maddy in their vehicle. My mom promised me she kissed her one more time for us. I wanted to walk out of the hospital, but they made me go out in the wheelchair. They put blankets over my lap and stomach so that nobody would mistake me as someone who had just delivered a baby. I felt the eyes of people on me as we left the hospital, but I just stared at the ground, tears dripping down my face. My two awesome nurses helped me get in the car and hugged me good-bye. It seemed impossible to comprehend that I was in that same parking garage just 24 hours earlier and thinking I was just having a regular ultrasound....
I’m sorry. I know this is long, and scattered, but I want to remember as many details as I can. If you made it through, thanks for reading. I already feel the memories slipping away a little bit......
I’ll write more soon.
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