So about a month ago
I got my latest psych eval, and all my normals popped up. But so did
Autism level 1 and level 2
Which checks out, but I cant lie seeing that 2 sent me spiraling because how bad can I fucking be man. But its more so my pattern recognition and aversion to change, the need for a structured regime, and the catastrophic events that follow if there is a
Single change
In my schedule. And honestly? I cant argue that.
For 4 months, since we all knew I was getting some sort of aut diagnosis, I submerged myself in community to find the me that exists elsewhere.
If the wish was true.
And it had to be, ive seen aspergers test online, this had to be my missing piece.
And it was.
I found me first in kevin. And Ellis. And callum. And jay.
It was
Unreal.
Breathing for the first time and belonging in time and space.
They could understand me and I could understand them
And everyone asks clarifying questions.
Everyone is direct
And so respectful
Careful to detail
Not afraid when im stroking out in the dentist because my BP won’t get under control,
I find one of them and they talk me through it like its nothing weird at all,
It was a normal Wednesday.
And when they told me to go immediately to the er
And I didnt
These people in the community supported the fact I was asked to leave.
And checked in to see if my heart rate went down at home.
And then we bring up something else and I feel loads better about the ordeal.
Jay has me buying an at home BP test and magnesium and potassium.
Hes the resident nutritionist and vitaminist.
That’s his “thing”.
Hes currently in the UK obsessively studying it more now.
They’ve been great. And im no longer alone.
My home life is in shambles.
My fiance knows I hate and resent him for the 10 months of neglect and trauma he gave me
Willingly
As I begged for help
And I can not forgive and forget that
He is the reason I am the way I am
He is the reason I have ptsd. And I need emdr therapy.
He is the reason all of my nuerodivergences mutated and progressed.
What would you do?
Forgive that?
Forget?
Im 41 and a brand new julie now,
I have no clue what ive become but now ive got to discover this entire thing out from scratch
Not to mention that pesky identity I lost
Maybe theyre all connected
But how do I look at a man like that
That made sure he stole my financial independence on top
And when he helped buy my car I realized he never did give me the title. Its still in his name.
It was set up.
Not only for my to experience that abuse that gave me PTSD
But also so he had control over ever part of my life
My finances. My vehicle. It was all calculated.
And now he asks
Why won’t you spend time with me? Even watch movies in the living room
Why won’t you talk to me all you do it self isolate
You won’t hug me or touch me
You haven’t slept in our bed in over 22 months
Im taking the baby and leaving you. Your other kids will be gone too. Youre fucking mental. Between the autism and bipolar and adhd and anxiety and your whole list, I will win. Im taking the fucking car you mental bitch, you’ll have nothing without me. Fuck you im so sick and tired of you.
And hes not lying. He made me financially dependent on him first. Next was helping me get my car but I realized way too late he never gave me the title, its all in his name.
A
“If I cant have you no one will. Youre trapped”
All while threatening to take everything away.
What would you do with this man
If you were me
If you were 5‘2 100lbs
And hes 6‘2 300lbs
Screaming in your face
Youre minding your own buisness self isolating and he finds you to pick a fight
And he won’t let you get out of the chair while he screams in your face youre fucking broken
You’re broken
Youre mentally broken, for good. Who will care for you? Who will care for the kids? Whats your future look like? Pathetic, you cant even pull yourself together.
A burnout?
A fucking cop out.
Try and act normal bitch.
And you sit in the chair and you refuse to make eye contact and you let them yell because
What if something else happens
And you wait for a chance to get up and leave
And its pounded into you
You unlovable creature. With nothing to offer.
And this man
Gave you wicked PTSD
And youre in treatment
And he asks why you dont act like his girlfriend
What would you do
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