it insane how time passes. once again, i did not mean to allow multiple years to pass before i wrote here again. i don’t know what happened to me…i used to journal religiously and now i nearly cringe at the thought of it. something to bring up in therapy, probably.
i am still living in the same apartment with neal that we have been living in since 2022. i still work the same WFH child welfare job, which i really don’t mind outside of the fact that i have not gotten a raise in a few years now. i consider going back to school, but i don’t really want to add another $50k+ of student loan debt to my already considerable amount just to make maybe $10k more a year. it would help but i also don’t think i have the brain power, discipline, or attention span for school anymore. but i like the set of coworkers i have, my supervisor, and the work itself is not bad - it at least much better than the work i was doing in 2022/2023/part of 2024.
i turned 32 yesterday. i feel old and yet i still feel 20 years old in my head. i feel so far behind in “life” in comparison to so many others my age. we haven’t bought a house (and probably never will), we don’t have kids, and don’t have any sizeable savings. we live paycheck to paycheck. the economy sucks and i don’t see us catching up any time soon. the older i get, the less i even want to have children, though a big part of me desires to be a mother.
a few other notable things:
- my grandfather died about a year ago. this was on my dad’s side of the family. i have not seen anyone on that side of the family since his memorial in march 2025, and none of them have reached out to me beyond writing “happy birthday” on my facebook wall
- i had to put down my dog carlos in october 2024. i’d had him for 14 years. i have no idea how old he was when i found him
- i lost 120 pounds thanks to being on a glp-1. i quit the medication in january and already have gained about 20 pounds back - and i NEED to lock in because i refuse to gain it all back. i haven’t been this small since jr. high.
- my grandmother, who will be 97 years old this year and lived with my mother for about 2 years, opened up to medical staff about her living conditions and they called adult protective services on my mom.
i’ll elaborate on my mom’s situation more because it is WILD. i had been concerned about the state of my grandmother and mother’s relationship for awhile now. prior to my grandmother living with my mom, she lived in her own apartment, but kept falling and hurting herself so she moved in with her instead of going to a nursing home. when my grandma lived on her own, my mom was constantly at her house cleaning, bringing her groceries, taking her to all her appointments, etc. they’d had a close relationship for years - though of course it’d its issues, but nothing like it had been in the past year or so.
by the time my grandma went to the hospital in february this year for a wound that wouldn’t stop bleeding, they were not speaking to each other at all. my mom really resented her and her position in having to care for her. she felt like my grandmother was ungrateful and gave her appreciation and “love” to her other children, my aunt and uncle, instead of my mom, her caregiver. i do think caregiver burnout is very real. i do understand my mom’s frustration. i had told her many times to express her feelings to my grandma, and to maybe find a caregiver support group in the area. she never listened to me. my grandmother is not very emotional. she doesn’t say “i love you” or express gratitude. and that doesn’t make it okay - but it is also something that has to be accepted since my mother took on the position of being her full-time caregiver.
i truly believe my mother’s intention in this situation was to control my grandmother’s will/finances. my grandmother still owns land, and this would be willed to her children when she dies. my mother holds a lot of resentment from when her dad died over 10 years ago, and my uncle and grandfather had changed his will prior to his death so that my uncle would get more land and money and my aunt/mom would get less. my mom actually sued him (and won). she felt that since she was taking on all the responsibility of being my grandma’s caregiver, she should get more in the will, so she and my grandma changed. was my grandma coerced? i don’t really know. she is of sound mind and always has been. she would have had the ability to say no, but did she feel like she could?
so my grandmother reports to the hospital that she is being verbally abused along with being confined to the bedroom from about 6pm-9am - which is insane. i had no idea. my mom also did not allow anyone besides my aunt to visit. my uncle was not allowed and neither were various cousins and nieces/nephews of my grandma. they often offered to take my grandma out to lunch, even without my mom, and she refused. she said that my grandma had bathroom issues and they wouldn’t want to deal with that?! and yet complained every day about the burden of caring for her. my grandmother also reported about my mother asking her to hand over $900 a month. yeah.
APS told my mom they were substantiating the claims, and power of attorney was switched from my mom to my uncle. my grandma will probably live in a nursing home the rest of her life, which is where she is now. my mom was very upset about the situation (still is) but hasn’t taken a speck of responsibility for anything. she just talks about how she should have never taken my grandmother into her house and she is so stupid for not thinking my grandma would screw her over when she’s done it to her siblings many times.
i understand that my mom went through a lot of abuse from her own dad growing up, and resents my grandma for not protecting her. as a woman in her 60s, she has the responsibility to fix her own emotional state by going to therapy or taking meds or something. she shouldn’t be a raging terror to everyone because she doesn’t feel appreciated or whatever.
there was a big concern that she might be arrested for elder abuse but it’s been about 2 months now and so i think that ship has likely sailed - i think i’ll die of embarrassment if it happens. i have not seen or spoken to my grandma since all this happened. i don’t go home to visit often. i do plan to visit her the next time i go home. i think it will be very awkward. my mom seems happier overall now that she doesn’t have to care for her anymore but is still very angry.
i think my mom has got to be a narcissist or something. she has never really taken accountability for much. she did eventually take some accountability for the wrongdoings against my father in their marriage after he passed away, but i think it took him dying for her to get there. i think it’ll be different with my grandma. i don’t think she will ever change her perspective on it.
i hate the feelings i have towards my mother because of this. our adult relationship seems to have tainted any fond memories i have of her from my childhood - and there are many, but many of them had been tainted already due to all the memories of my parent’s messy divorce and how she openly cheated on my father. i am in therapy and it does help, but it is hard to talk to her. it’s hard to pretend like she is a good person when deep down i am really not sure what she is.
i plan to write more consistently. i already feel a little better after writing this and i know my future self will appreciate looking back on past memories. i was able to copy all my opendiary entries once i learned they were shutting down again (surprise, surprise) and reading through them made me so nostalgic.
until next time.
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