It’s been a while since I’ve been here on Prosebox. I know I committed to regular brain dumps, but hey! Can’t fault me for being consistent.
We’re 4 months into 2026 and the verdict is still up as to what kind of year it’s going to be. I spent the majority of last year genuinely terrified. After the election, I had a big ugly cry and felt a genuine despair deep in my soul and felt such helplessness for the future. I couldn’t believe that we actually voted Trump in, after all that he and his party said. Regardless of his political views which could be held by ANY political candidate on either side of the aisle, his criminal history, racist and misogynist remarks couldn’t possibly be tolerated by the American people. We’ve come way too far to accept less.
I’m probably in denial, but I still believe something happened. I don’t believe we voted him in properly. I think that either there was enough tampering with the votes that the results were swayed in his favor, or not enough people turned out to vote in general to have a true representation of what our nation believes in. I don’t think the electoral college is a good system anyway, but that’s a different argument all together.
I digress. But as a woman in general, let alone a woman of mixed Puerto Rican heritage who definitely favors her Afro-Caribbean ancestry, plus being a mother to an even more mixed boy who could pass as either Black or Hispanic, but definitely not white… I felt hated. I felt hated, and afraid to go to work, go to the store… I was afraid to live, and I worried for my son and the future he may have as Trump changes everything one executive order at a time. And I live in a deeply blue state, in probably one of the most liberal cities here.
All that to say…
This year I’m beginning to feel hopeful again. For every maga urchin that crawls out from under their rock to say something nasty or hateful, there are a dozen or more people putting them in their place. We are in this mess together, and there really are more of us then there are of them. We are just so disconnected as a society that it’s hard to see that sometimes.
I think this is a huge learning opportunity and a pivotal time in in our history where we decide exactly what we value, and how much we are willing to take. It feels like we are at a breaking point in every which way, and one day in the far future this decade will be in a history book used to teach children the dangers of capitalism, authoritarianism, fascism left unchecked. This is what happens when we see something, but don’t say anything. This is what happens when we forget to love each other.
My oral wegovy journey is still underway. I’ve been steady at it going on 3 months now. For two months I stayed at the starting dose accidentally but that was okay. I have not been dieting and honestly have been probably eating the worst I’ve ever eaten before for the sheer fact that I have a really bad case of anhedonia. Hubby calls it a case of the Darias, if you remember that old show. The wegovy has completely changed my brain chemistry and I derive zero joy from pretty much anything other than reading these days which sounds depressing, but I’m actually quite enjoying the peace and calm that comes with stability. I’m down 13 pounds and enjoying cookie dough on the regular.
That’s pretty bad though. I know.
Today is Sunday, so I’ve vowed to try to get in some daily exercise and get back to cooking regularly like I used to. It’s just so hard to cook when you don’t want to eat anything… and you ask everyone else what they want and they say, “I don’t know”. So, then you make something that sounds kind of good to you, and nobody else eats it so it ends up being thrown away after all. Groceries are way too expensive to play that game. Air fryer chicken nuggets for everyone then!
Hubby finally got a car! We used our tax return and some money in savings to get one AFTER I had a complete meltdown. He and my son got into an argument that was extremely petty and was my very last straw. I don’t want to get into it right now, but basically, I told him either he gets a car TODAY or he spends all the money we’d save on Uber because I was DONE. So, he did. Thank God.
I told him I refused to do it anymore.
I work full time, plus leave an hour and half early every day to get him to work, then stay late to pick him up, or go all the way home only to come all the way back out to get him. Plus, I have to cook, clean, do the dishes, manage the finances, be the full-time parent, coddle him emotionally and still somehow find the time to take care of myself. And he wanted cookies because he does laundry once a week and occasionally loads the dishwasher after someone else unloads it or drags the trash can to the curb after we’ve collected all the trash for him earlier in the day.
Comparably, he does NOTHING and complains he doesn’t have any time on his days off. He’s 11 years older than me. I drew the line in the sand, as I have with so many people lately, and I’m keeping my boundaries crystal clear.
My current struggle is around boundaries, and the difference between allowing people to be human and make mistakes vs accepting imperfection and negligence. And I think I’m so frustrated that my initial reaction is to respond with threats and punishment, but I don’t know if that’s the right course of action because acting out of frustration is never the right thing to do. And it’s all little stuff.
Like, my son has been home on spring break, and he’s been keeping watch of our older dog who has accidents on the floor when she isn’t taken out frequently enough. That shouldn’t be happening if he’s home all day every day, but it happened. My initial response is to take his computer away because I know he was too busy gaming to look after her. But we all make mistakes, and he’s 16. I did way worse at 16.
Then at work, people just straight up aren’t doing what I ask them to do. We just got a brand-new product in, and I asked someone to backstock them in the correctly labeled boxes, and I found out that they back stocked them in the boxes that were literally labeled something else. It would be like saying hey, we got product XYZ in! We created new storage boxes labeled XYZ, so please put them there. And one week later, all of XYZ were put in boxes labeled ABC instead. Now hundreds of items need to be reshelved.
Little things like that add up to a massive to-do list both at home and work that’s got me mind blown lately, and I’m just not sure how I want to go about correcting the issue. I told myself this year I was going to step back and stop doing so much myself and let other people start taking the lead because they’ll never learn if I keep doing everything. Failure and having to try again is part of the learning process. I think my best bet today is to take a beat and reset MY mindset so that I can lead us back on track.
Honestly, I fantasize about the day that I don’t have to lead anyone.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, and this is kind of a heavy thing to say, but a few years ago hubby and I got pregnant, and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy at 8 weeks. It was a really hard decision, but my son was 14 and while I had once dreamed about having a big family, starting over again when I was so close to being done didn’t make sense to me. I got pregnant at 19, and my son was born when I was 20. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life being controlled. First, I was controlled by the reigns of adolescence, then when I finally tasted freedom, I became tethered down by motherhood. And even though I’m a whole adult with a professional job and family, I’m still constrained by the weight of expectation and the needs of everyone else around me.
I fantasize about moving to Florida and scooping ice cream at Disney or selling balloons. I wish for freedom, though I understand freedom is a very selfish wish. I just want to feel what it’s like to be responsible and make decisions for only me. I don’t know if that’s possible anymore though. I don’t wish to be free from my family. I just want them to find independence. I’ll probably feel differently when my son soon does and being that he’s 16 I know it’ll come sooner than later.
I have a few more thoughts in my head, but I think I’ve dumped enough as it is. I need to get to the grocery store and get on with the Sunday chores.
Here’s to hope.
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