For once, I wasn’t disappointed. This, I fear, will be my undoing.
I’ve been trying to get out there more. To see if this little heart of mine is capable of loving someone, not just using them. Possibly even to see if I can be loved without being destroyed, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
What it meant was a lot of awkward dates with awkward guys in awkward bars. Trying to make conversation at first, and then excuses to leave. Will he believe that I have work in the morning? Can I play off this text as an emergency and slip away? Or should I just straight up tell him that I’m not interested, to stop wasting my time?
But no. I might be a bitch underneath but that doesn’t mean that I want to be seen as one.
And then I went out with him and I felt something. I didn’t fall head over heels or anything, but I enjoyed myself and felt that little spark. That tiny bit of chemistry. That attraction and stirrings of possibilities of more that I thought that I had lost.
After so many dates just wanting to get away I wasn’t disappointed by the date with him. This is bad news. Good if he’s interested but I don’t think he is. He is quiet and distant, around just often enough to keep me holding on but not enough to make me think he’s interested. He says he’s busy with work, and maybe he is but that doesn’t make this hurt less.
This is why I ran from feelings, you know. Because there is no pain quite like this. Of not being good enough for someone. It might not be any better in the long run to keep my distance like this, but at least it doesn’t hurt all at once. That’s something.
Until then I’ll just be over here, letting my heart pull me into the thrasher. I can see the pain that’s coming when he chooses someone else. Someone prettier or smarter or funnier. I can see the crash coming but I just can’t look away.
I’ve always had a thing for danger.
Loading comments...