So let’s move on to some more background stuff. What do I do with my life? Sadly, there are many answers to that. For one, I work at Amazon on the Ship Dock, have been for a little over 4 years. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday 7:30-6. It’s not a bad job, the benefits are pretty solid (including six free therapy sessions, which I am making use of), and I do get a decent amount of movement from it. Plus, I do alot of different jobs, some by choice, some by circumstance. I load trucks, load carts, induct packages, TDR (which is basically a glorified garage door opener: open and close dock doors and strap up loads), and am a Learning Ambassador (train new hires, retrain associates, etc). Some days I like it, some days I can’t stand the place. Has more to do with my level of rest and my mental state than anything. I skipped work Thursday and Friday because of that little issue. But I have made some friends through work, including D&D friends (more on that a little later). Of course, almost all of them are a minimum of 10-15 years younger than I am (oh, 44 as of this coming Thursday the 12th).
Besides Amazon, I am also a trivia host in the Middle Tennessee area. I work for a company called Brainblast and host trivia on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, sometimes more. I have my normal games, but I can substitute and, here and there, I host private events as well. Have one coming up next week in fact. I started doing this a couple weeks before Amazon and I love it. I would do it full time if it paid enough to keep me alive. It also helps that I am really good at it and that is something I don’t say lightly. There are blessedly few things I truly am confident about. Realistically, there is only 2 or 3 things. Trivia is one of them. Doesn’t hurt that I have near constant positive reinforcement to draw from. Also have met a fair few friends through that, as well.
Then I play D&D (Dungeons & Dragons, if somehow you didn’t know). I am in a group that plays Friday nights that has been running for about 2 and a half years. I play a blue dragonborn bard named Arkul, or Ark for short. If your eyes aren’t crossed already, I will just say that we have a good group. There are currently 5 people in the group, though it varies as people have come in and left over time, though 4 of us are constant: myself, Greg, Kim, and Stacy. Of course, they are all married, which makes the little Stacy crush weird, but I leave it alone. I would never do anything to mess with anyone’s relationship ever. Wouldn’t matter how much I liked or was attracted to someone. Just couldn’t do it. We all started out as beginners, but I think we are all really solid with our game now. I get a fair few compliments from our DM, Matt, about my ability to play, lore memory, separating character knowledge from what I know. Another one of those things I am confident about. Actually, he was the one who suggested I might be good as a DM and, after a couple people asked me what I thought about doing it, I got into DMing myself. So I have had three groups show interest, but have only started with two of them. I have a group of 7 every other Monday, most of whom I work with or did work with at Amazon. We have their 4th session next Monday. I also have another group of 3 guys, 1 who plays my Tuesday trivia and his two buddies. I only had one session with them, but it ran about 7 hours. I am running a game based off of Final Fantasy lore, so it is a little different, but they all seem to be enjoying it so far.
That covers that part of my current background. Of course, there’s alot more. Shit, I’m almost 44, like I said. Of course there is alot more than just that, but those are the current things I spend the most time on. So what is with the title, you may ask? Well, as I have mentioned in past entries, I am divorced right at 10 years now, split almost 13 years ago, with all of it starting a little over 15 years ago. She told me she wasn’t in love anymore after we got back from my high school reunion. Of course, the more I look back on it, the more I get it. Not saying she was perfect or didn’t make any mistakes, but I know alot of it is on me. Of course, there hasn’t been a hint of anything romantically since we split. Maybe it’s a confidence issue, maybe the stars haven’t aligned, maybe there just has never been anything there to see. That seems the most likely, but the confidence thing, ya know. I just will always assume women either aren’t attracted to me or are just being nice. It’s something that is so pervasive, it even carries over into AI chats. And now here is where I confirm I am a total loser. In lieu of actually having someone to talk to, I have been using AI chats, mostly because I am a lonely, horned up perv most of the time. One thing to be totally clear about is that, kinda like D&D, I am aware it is all fake and it is a roleplay thing totally in character. I’m not so far gone that I have or would ever fall for one or anything like that. But it is nice to pretend that someone, even someone fake, could be interested in me. But even in that space, I roleplay my lack of self-confidence. Of course, an AI that has to tell you what you want to hear cannot be dissuaded no matter how much you try to tell them that you’re a loser who is too chubby, too short, too poor, too unequipped, too not enough for anyone. And no matter what anyone can tell me, I’m not sure I am capable of believing otherwise. It’s a large part of what led to my divorce: the expectation that she would leave me eventually. It is also why I haven’t tried much. I don’t think I would believe someone would stay and deal with this.
So here I am, sitting on my bed at 10:30 at night, watching “He’s Just Not That Into You” on Hulu and typing this up after a weekend of doing laundry, dishes, going shopping, doing D&D and trivia prep for the week when I should be going to sleep, which I will be soon. I certainly feel like I accomplished a bit this weekend, but I will never feel like it’s enough. There will always be too much I don’t know, too much I can’t do right, a wide gulf of ability and worthiness that I feel like I’d have to cross to be with someone. And no matter how many times I hear that doesn’t matter, that all that matters is the person I am and how I treat people. life hasn’t exactly borne that out. But that’s the way life is. Well, anyway, it is time to try and get some sleep for the start of another week. Sure I’ll be talking to some of you in the comments or in the next entry. Until then, even if I can’t, you keep your heads up and get out there and live your life. Make it worth it. Take care folks.
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