This weekend has been so, so painful and difficult.
I think I am about to lose Josie. Everything has happened so fast. I can’t go into it all right now although at some point it might be cathartic for me to write it all out.
It started with the ulcer on her eye. No, really, it started with her diagnosis of small cell intestinal lymphoma almost 7 years ago. I thought I’d lose her within a few years but she went into remission for a long time.
Anyway, by Friday I knew something wasn’t right. I took her to the E.R. (which is also the specialist hospital that has been treating Josie since her diagnosis) on Friday evening where I spent the next six hours, getting home at almost 1:00 a.m. Crying all the way. She’s been going down hill ever since then. She is on strong IV pain meds, antibiotics, and fluids. Tests so far indicate strongly that her small cell intestinal lymphoma has transitioned to being large cell intestinal lymphoma. Worst case scenario – and the doctor said she is very worried and she thinks this is the way the odds are leaning – she will need injectable chemotherapy with a potential life expectancy of six months.
I will not put her through that. I have said since her diagnosis that this isn’t about me, it’s about her, and her quality of life.
Her quality of life right now sucks. I’ve been to visit her every day; Brian went with me today and we just got back. It breaks my heart. I’ve cried so many tears this weekend that I have to keep taking Advil for the headache that gives me.
The doctor thinks the cancer is spreading throughout her body.
I just can’t tell you how my heart is breaking. I try to keep reminding myself that I’ve always done everything I can for her and her health. She is well loved and she doesn’t know any other way.
Holding her today, up on my chest with her head laying on my shoulder the way she likes it, I just kept telling her what a good girl she is and how much I love her. I squeezed my hand down to her belly to give her belly rubs. She was panting and breathing heavily.
I’m expecting the latest results from the doctor within the next few hours. I have told her that I will not put Josie through chemo. She has suffered enough these last few days.
I sobbed on Brian’s shoulder lastnight and said “I can’t do this” but I know I must. I also know very well that people all over the world are dealing with much worse. That doesn’t really help me (or Josie) feel any better. I guess it helps put things in perspective.
I need strength and good vibes.
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