After almost three years of longing for the love I lost, I always wondered if it is even possible to fall out of love again. Is it possible to go back to the state of mind I had before falling in love? There were so many times I thought moving on was a myth. There used to be times when I cried out loud in my room, choking on my tears, wondering if I was not enough or if I was not worthy enough to stay.
Three years of endlessly thinking about him, caring for him, wondering if he would ever come back.... when my life felt like it was at the edge and my mental health was almost destroyed. Every day, I think about him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. Sometimes, I even murmur his name unconsciously. Wherever I go, whatever I eat, I remember him. I remember his favorite food, favorite place, favorite songs. And in this whole process, I never cared to think about what I like..... what my favorite things are.
And now I realize I am slowly losing myself. I can't believe that I have been letting these thoughts consume me slowly, and I am almost lost in this phase.
There was this one fine day when I realized I am not really lost. I am only lost if I choose to think that way. And why should I think that? duh... I was like, I have had enough. I am so sick of these stupid, endless thoughts. Why should I ruin my twenties just because a boy decided to walk away because his mama wanted him to? My life is about me. I am the main character. This character has already taken so much screen space.... Now it’s my turn to be on screen. Why should I be crying at home when he is enjoying his life? It’s my turn to be happy.
What was I like before this so called “first love” phase? Actually, I was the brand ambassador of happiness before this heartbreak. I was known for my happiness, clinginess, goofiness, and unmatched energy. No one could beat my energy level. I was always excited and happy.
And now I have decided to bring back my old phase .... with a new upgrade 😉
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