There are some things that I need to get out that I can’t share with anyone. Hence this diary. I’ve said it before, but sometimes when I write in here and press that “save” button, I actually feel a physical release. Strange, I know. But for me, it is real and many times it makes me feel a relief of some sort.
Here are some tidbits that I really don’t feel like sharing with anyone I know in real life. I’m sure if anyone’s out there reading, the following is going to appear superficial and shallow and self-gratifying and, oh the list goes on. But I felt the need to get them out before I explode…
Dan (my crush from the last entry) called me at the office today! And did I ever get flustered! My clerical assistant just happened to be in my office when he called, and she heard about half the conversation before she decided that she had better things to do then to listen to me fumble my way through the phone call. Embarrassing! We did actually talk business. It was peppered in here and there between our laughing about the conference and the bar. I am way more confused than ever! He asked me to lunch, and I told him it would have to be a few weeks from now because we’re both booked up this week, and I’m going on a business trip next week. Now, this lunch has nothing to do with business. We don’t do any kind of business together, but in my industry we could end up working together in the future, so there’s nothing wrong with going to lunch with him, right?? Right? And there’s certainly nothing wrong with making new friends. I can always use another friend. But I’m usually not so incredibly attracted to my friends, either! I’m excited and nervous and probably making WAY more out of it than I should, but I don’t care!! There’s nothing like a crush to spark some life into my day from time to time!!
Speaking of work, I got my annual review yesterday from my new boss. Because I’ve only held this “new” position for a month, I thought I would be considered too new to rate (we get ratings points that range from one to five…one being impossibly outstanding…nobody ever gets a one!). Still, I was very nervous because I have a lot to live up to. Boss is really hard on people. We went to a conference room and Boss shut the door. We sat down and got right to business. We started to go over numbers (results from the previous year) and some other things, and before I could even look, she told me that she’d rated me a one. * Squinching eyes and shaking head *….a ONE???????? That’s right. Numero uno. Okay, um….I was in such shock that it was visible and audible. There was no hiding it-I took a big, sharp breath, and I may have even squeaked a little!! Real professional. Shit. I couldn’t believe it! And yes, this is fantastic, fantastic news….but I can’t share it!! I can’t tell anyone about this!! Not even my buddies who always share their review stories with me!! Because business is tough, and nobody is getting good ratings!!! Nobody!! And I don’t want to jinx myself, and I don’t want people to get pissed, and I don’t want to get any shit from anyone, and I’m freaking because now I really, really, really have so much to live up to that it just gets me all in a tizzy and I can’t get anything done! I do know that this is incentive to keep me here at this company. And it’s incentive for me to do bigger and better things.. And I am thrilled, to say the least. But it’s killing me to keep this great and wonderful news to myself, so I’m getting it out here! The only person I’ve personally told is my mom, and I know it doesn’t mean much to her. Luckily, I can fib to anyone around here who asks and use the “too new to rate” excuse. I am praying to the work gods that this is not too good to be true and that I can live up to these near-impossible expectations. Please, please, please……
Let’s see, what else…
LDL (Long Distance Love) is coming to visit me in two weeks. I am really excited to see him, but scared about all the emotions and just general bullshit that’s going to come up during his weeklong visit. I know it. I haven’t told him about all the wonderful successes I’ve had at work the last couple of months. He doesn’t know about the promotion and the huge raise and the fact that I’m so excited about it. It’s because he wants me to find a new job where he lives and move across the country to be with him. And last year at this time I was actively searching for a new job. I went to see him a few times, and he actually drove me to a couple of interviews out there. I got some bites. Even had a couple of promising offers. But nothing felt 100% right, and somehow I ended up in the position that I have now. I still love LDL. Oh the stuff that I went through with him….I’m sure there will be many entries to come in this diary that are dedicated to him. I haven’t told too many people that he’s coming. I think I need to devote a whole entry to that. It’s too hard to explain right now.
And I need to get going anyway. I’ve rattled on a little too much and need to get out of the office because I’ve got errands to run.
More very soon….
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