LDL came to visit last week.
And now he’s gone.
And I’m back to being lonely on a Saturday night.
I knew this would happen…I knew I’d fall in love all over again. I felt it. I felt that old familiar feeling….that intensity…the tingling sensation with every touch.
I also felt the fire. And we had some major arguments. I know most of it was nerves and anxiousness on both of our parts, but that white-hot emotion came out.
And there was also avoidance. I guess on my part. We didn’t resolve anything. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t want any resolution. Yes, it was my fault. He tried to talk to me. All I wanted was to feel him again. He did force some issues, and my bitterness was obvious. More white-heat. Followed by more avoidance.
But there was sweetness mixed in. And fun. And laughter and smiles. And he looked at me in that way that I tried and tried to get him to look at me way back when…the way that makes me melt. I could hardly handle it.
More bitterness. Why couldn’t he have been that way back then?
It was pointless to get upset, yet I was the one who forced that particular issue. What was that? Did I enjoy watching him suffer while he apologized over and over? Was I making him pay me back? I listened to him tell me that he made the biggest mistake by leaving me. I watched him cry.
Yet I barely did anything to reassure him. Why?
I did promise, swear even, that we will see each other again in the not-so-distant future. I think I will fly out to see him in a few months.
Why?? What is the point? Am I dragging this on?
I do love him. With every fiber of my being. Maybe that’s my problem.
Whatever. I know this entry is very vague. But I am drained and I should be doing some work that I brought home and it’s hot in here and I’ve been crying as I’ve written this entry.
So I guess I need to go.
For now…
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