Things have gotten a little hectic again. I’m starting to understand that that’s just the way the rest of my life is going to be and get used to it. I guess it beats being bored!! It just seems like my life is whizzing and blurring past right before my eyes.
I am leaving in the morning for what I expect to be a whirlwind “vacation” of sorts. I’m going to visit an old college buddy who is hosting a get together at her place for a bunch of other college buddies. It’s a combination Baby/Engagement/Wedding Shower (three different girls, of course!). We try to get together once a year to do something fun. Last year it was Vegas. This year it’s Jendi’s place.
It should be lots of fun…and I’m really looking forward to seeing all the girls again. We really got wild in Vegas last year! I don’t think I want to get that crazy again. Oh lordy, did we have a blast…and oh lordy did I get in trouble when I posted the details of the event in my then-diary (here on OD).
Of course, LDL read it and confronted me. In a state disbelief and panic, I flat out lied. Not one of my finer moments. I knew from what LDL was saying that he’d read the diary. I never thought I had it in me to lie like that. Of course, LDL understood the feelings and panic that I was feeling as he’d experienced it several times during his marriage when he had to lie about his affairs. Finally, he told me that I was a very good liar and admitted to reading the diary. I was caught. Busted. A Liar. Probably one of the lowest points of my life.
It sure messed up an already screwed up relationship. And yes, I certainly tried to justify my actions by saying that I didn’t think that he loved me and that he was mean to me and that I’d tried to break up with him before. It only emphasized my weaknesses. That I couldn’t be strong and honest and upfront with him. That I was capable of bold-faced lying (something I’d sworn to myself and others I could never, ever do…that it just wasn’t in me). That I was capable of cheating on someone (even though I didn’t have actual sex with someone else, I now admit that I cheated…another thing that I’d sworn to myself and others I could never, ever do).
I always thought I was so much better than that.
A little over a month and hundreds of thousands of tears later, LDL was gone.
But not really. He is now LDL. My Long Distance Love. I still love him dearly….but I think it’s still the remains of that eff’d-up love. Again I will say it: it’s not a healthy love. It’s complicated. I thought that I would gain some perspective when he moved away. I even told him that I wanted to go out with someone else for a while. And when that didn’t work out, I came running back to the safe computer screen and back into the (now) cyber-arms of LDL.
And keeping myself busy and being hectic and running off here and there and pushing it to the back of my mind is not helping out with trying to gain some perspective on the whole situation. Honestly, I don’t think I’m being fair to him or myself.
But let’s think about that later. I need to finish up here at work and then run home to pack and get a bike ride in and finish buying gifts and get up early to fly away to see my girlies…
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