Shifting Sands and Drifting Off… in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I was going to write an entry full of action and suspense and all of the outrageous things that happened over the last couple weeks. I was going to fill in every detail, describe every taste and smell and sight of Snake Alley in Taipei, the booziness of Bangkok and the hills of Hong Kong. But it’s not coming right now. I simply can’t get it out.

I am having a pity party for myself tonight, and it’s really making me angry with myself. I just wrote a whole pathetic entry full of “woe is me”. Sheesh. Thank goodness I just erased it. I don’t want or need that crap…and certainly nobody else deserves to read it either!

I finally got an e-mail from LDL, and my intuition tells me that something is going on with him. I think he’s finally moving on. I guess that’s great for him. Not sure how that makes me feel. He’s been one of the most important people in my life for four years now. Wow. I guess I didn’t realize it’s been that long until I wrote it down just now. It’s such a strange, strange pity that I spent most of my energy during the time that I had him worrying about how I was going to lose him. What a waste of precious time and effort.

There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t have at least a small pang of regret for the way I reacted to/with him. He really was a sad person when I met him. I can only hope that whatever he’s doing now is making him happy. I truly wish that for him because he is a brilliant man. Pained, but brilliant. There’s so much inside him, and I finally saw glimpses of that brilliance here and there—especially towards the end.

In our last conversation, he mentioned that very same thing. God, some of the times we spent together were pure perfection. But those times were brief. Like catching the sparkle of a diamond from a distance…you only see it when the light and the angles are just so.

I can feel it in my soul. He’s moving on. Good.

I hope that means I will move on too. I have not had any lovin’ in [hangs head] six whole months! Not that I’ve really been looking, mind you. But I swear, when I have a dry spell, it turns into the Gobi Freaking Desert! And here’s another strange mystery of women (well, I’m sure not all, but it applies to me). When I’m not having sex, I don’t really miss it. Seriously! It’s the intimacy that I miss. It’s having somebody there. It’s the loneliness that really gets to me. I did not enjoy getting home from my wonderful trip to Asia and taking a cab home from the airport. I did not enjoy coming home to a stale apartment (not even kitty was here). I did not enjoy spending the weekend catching up on my sleep on the couch by myself.

Hell, I couldn’t care less about the sex (although it’s a wonderful addition, mind you). What I wouldn’t give for a simple hug and a sincere “I love you”. Oh, and a bubble bath together would be nice. Which would, of course, lead to some underwater touching and some slippery kisses and bubbles everywhere and then towel drying each other off and then a nice lotion rubdown on the bed in the bedroom that’s softly candlelit. Followed by mind-blowingly incredible, delicious love-making…fingers and tongues and…. * ahem *

Okay. So I could care less but you get the point.

My hormones are out of whack too, since I went off the pill and then went halfway around the world. I hate to say it, but I’m working on close to a month of pure PMS! I am so off track it’s not even funny.

I don’t even want to get into my workout schedule. Or my eating habits for that matter. Ugh. The list goes on….

Speaking of stuffing…can you believe that Thanksgiving is this week?? What happened to this year? I know it’s cliché, but it just feels like my life is slipping through my fingers like sand.

I feel a goal-setting session approaching. Hm. Guess it’s almost resolution time again, huh? Time to re-evaluate the things I’m doing and the way things are turning out. The way work is going (with my psycho boss), I may be looking for another job again. I still really want to work with Jeff, but again, it has to go through my psycho boss. She is out of control. But I can’t let that control me (even though I tend to).

So.

With that, I’m going to hop into bed and listen to some music. Trying to find that Vespertine CD (Bjork). I know it’s somewhere around here. I just want to drift…drift…drift…….into tomorrow.

‘night.