Of Work and Sex in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Written yesterday at work:

I really need to get in the habit on keeping out of OD while at work. I have a feeling that it might bite me in the keester if I don’t watch it. This huge corporation simply has to know about OD. I’m sure someone out there is reading my whole life story. I don’t know if this is cause for termination, but I can’t be too careful in this day and age and with what’s going on right now.

I still don’t feel like writing down all the details. I’m sure it will all come out in due time. And no, it’s not an Enron-type scandal or anything. It’s just that I thought I was getting a promotion and some assistance in my area, but it looks instead like the powers that be want to hire some hot shot outsider instead of promoting me. I understand,and I could see the writing on the wall for months. It just hurts. I put my heart and soul into this. I didn’t have enough staff. I tried to do it all without complaining too much (the majority of that was done here in my journal!). And now they’re going to finally staff the area like it should be, but give me the shaft!! I should have been more “squeaky wheel”, I know. But I was too busy chasing my tail.

I’ve been doing a bit of praying and soul searching. Asking the eternal question: Am I in the right place? The answer that I keep hearing in my head is, NO. I know I said this a year and a half ago when I was out interviewing all over the country. But I know that the only way for me to get ahead in this business is to leave and get experience elsewhere. That’s what’s attractive to my company now. People with outside experience. It’s good to have internal people who know all the systems and stuff, but that’s all I would be here for—support for a new person until he gets the hang of everything. And then what? I didn’t shine when I had the chance, so why would anyone give me another?

It just seems like the puzzle pieces aren’t fitting together like they should be right now. I’m trying as hard as I can. And it’s not just work either. It’s all of my goals. I say this every few months, I know….but I’m not getting any younger. I don’t have too many ripe, baby-making years left. I’d like a partner. A family. AND a fabulous career. I want it all!! I’m striving towards all. But in the process, I’m not getting any of it quite right.

Gotta get my mind in the right frame.

Had a lovely Sunday. I will say that. I told myself that I wasn’t going to worry about anything. I met Becca and some others at the Cuban place for a late brunch. Couple of Bloody Marys and a veggie omelet and some good laughs made me feel better. Flirting with the Flamenco guitar players made my day!! Oooh cuties!! As we were leaving, one of them ran up to me and handed me a card with a phone number on the back and told me that they play at the El Salvadorian place across town on Wednesday nights!

Tom and Nancy wanted to go to another bar and drink the rest of the day away, but I opted out. The day was simply too beautiful, and now that I’m curbing my drinking quite a bit, the thought of spending the rest of the day sloshing around just didn’t appeal to me (that’s not to say I didn’t consider it, though).

Written this morning:

Worked out for what seemed like hours last night. Well, 6:45 to 9:30. Bill says in order to lose that little roll on my lower back, I really need to do some kind of cardio workout every day.

Bill also asked me if I wanted to have sex with him (pretty much in those words), and I almost fainted on the lat pull-down machine. After not working out with him for two weeks (for various reasons: dates, our schedules, etc), I really layed it on thick with the flirting and joking and all, and he just came right out and told me that he wanted to do me.

I mean, we’re working on biceps and he’s counting my reps, and we’re nearing the end of my set and I’m grimacing and sweating but it still feels like I could do more. So I moan, “Give me more….give me more…oh yeah…more…”

And on it goes through every muscle group. I’m shameless. What’s the guy to do? And why am I doing this with someone I’d really have nothing to do with outside of the gym? I do not want to date him. Period. But I’m simply dying to have sex with the man.

I must say that the thought is so tempting. But that means that I will have to permanently switch gyms after this little fling is over because I know I’ll feel uncomfortable about it afterwards.

Or not. Why should I feel uncomfortable? I’ll just do him and not worry about it. Oh, this inner turmoil!

And now it’s Tuesday. I have a meeting with Boss at 8. Not looking forward to that in the least, but at least I’ll get it over with. She has to be in another meeting at 9. I’m still not ready to bring up the issues that are bothering me. I can’t put it off too much longer. But Boss is always in a shitty mood in the morning, so why should I shoot myself in the foot? It’s only Tuesday after all.

Damn. I better go get ready for the grind. I don’t really have much to say this morning anyway.

Back later.