A Attitude. I can’t seem to adjust it. I’m nervous about every little thing going on in my life right now. Why can’t I relax??
B Balance. I don’t think I’ve ever had a time in my life where I was truly balanced. I am always leaning heavily towards one thing or another. It seems like it’s always either work or guys .and I always end up focusing practically 100% of my attention towards one or the other. How do I create that perfect balance? What is the key? Maybe if I ever get married and become comfortable, the rest will fall into place? I doubt it. I’m sure that would only make it worse.
C Clusterfuck. What my insides feel like right now. One big one.
D Drinking. Feels like it’s starting to get a little out of control again. Remember my two-drink maximum rule? I don’t know. I may have to reinstate. Or maybe I’ll make it a three-drink maximum. Shit. I just wish I could figure out my threshold ..and listen to my body. Why does my body have to tell me that I’m feelin’ really goooood for a while and then go all haywire?
E Energy. I seem to only have it when I’m heavily caffeinated. Or like I am now, a little hopped up on Metablolife. I took one today. Starting to feel my weight creep up (see Workout). Problem is, it’s like fake energy. And I know I’m going to crash (see Narcolepsy).
F Friendships. Why am I having such a hard time nurturing my friendships lately? Could it be that I’m just not taking the time? Well. Yes.
G Growth. What I feel like I’ve stopped doing lately. I don’t mean height. I mean mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. I feel stunted.
H Hungry. For a drastic change in my life.
I Independence. Just because I’m so friggin’ independent doesn’t mean that I don’t secretly dream of a Knight in Shining Armor. Or even a Sugar Daddy. Still, winning the lottery would be better. I should start playing so I can keep my little I-word!
J My job. It’s making me crazy.
K Kissing. Another thing that makes me crazy but in a gooooood way!
L Love. An emotion that I sometimes remember. But it’s a distant memory. It’s something that I want and crave, but it’s also something that I know will hurt me.
M Men. Need I say more?
N Narcolepsy. Do I have this, or do I just use it as an excuse to get exceedingly drunk and crash on people’s couches, spare beds, or other random places?
O Obsessed. I wrote a pathetic entry this morning about how bummed I was that Ethan didn’t call me last night after he told me that he would. I didn’t post it because it’s embarrassing. I have succumbed to junior high thoughts and behaviors. I obsessed about it until late last night and ended up exhausting myself to sleep. Woke up and immediately checked the phone to make sure I didn’t miss his call while I was asleep. Then checked my e-mail to see if he’d written. Sad, no?
P Paranoia. Afraid I’m gonna get fired. Afraid I’ll screw things up with every guy I go out with. Afraid people are reading this that shouldn’t be reading this.
Q Quirky. A kind and gentle way of saying that my mannerisms are a tad fucked up.
R Reassurance. Something that I really need right now. I want to know that everything is going to be okay. Like, I want my mom to come over and hold me and stroke me on the head and let me cry and cry and cry and get all this sticky, black crud out of me and tell me that I can get through this work stuff and I can relax and enjoy myself around guys and that I can go out and enjoy my girlfriends if I’d just make time for them. That there are ways to do everything. That life is never “all or nothing”.
S Sick to my stomach. Every day at work. So bummed that my other thing didn’t work out. Still so bummed that I can’t even write about it here yet. I know that things have to change here or I will become so physically ill. I’m just waiting for the day that I pass out from nervousness. I can’t believe it’s gotten like this. I just can’t.
T Trust. I have issues. Even with myself.
U Ugly. The way I sometimes feel. Inside and out. Not always, mind you. I feel like I clean up quite well. It’s just that those ugly days can be overwhelming.
V Verge. After making this list, I feel quite on the edge of some kind of breakdown. Soon.
W Workout. Such an important thing here. I know. I know. I need to get myself back on track. Once a week isn’t going to cut it. Not only is it good for my body, but it’s good for my soul and I know this. I try to keep it on my calendar, but my work schedule is all messed up right now. And I’ve noticed that my body schedule is too. Hm. I’m really not regular in any sort of way. Read that in any light you wish. Because I swear, any way you read it is the same. Messed up.
X The eX. Still sends me e-mails. Still trying to manipulate from thousands of miles away. They still get to me.
Y Yummy. The taste of Ethan’s lips. But Hy’s aren’t bad either. I’ll get some more of that on Friday when he comes in town. Oh and I forgot to mention that I just might get a taste of Theo’s on Tuesday!! When it rains
Z Zip it! Something I obviously am unable to do when placed in a situation of talking to someone I truly admire. I gush. I stutter. I ramble. My stories are jumbled and probably incoherent. Sheesh. Somebody please stop me!!
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