Strokes in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Sheesh. Is my self-esteem truly this low? Read on…

Suzie, my co-worker is getting a divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband is successful, handsome and very personable. He’s always paid extra attention to me during social events. His eye contact would linger just a tad beyond my comfort level, and he somehow seemed overly interested in my stories. I felt a bit self-conscious around him. At these events, I always had a terribly narcissistic fantasy that he wanted me, but made a conscious effort not to let it show, and certainly not to flirt with him! Plus, he really did adore Suzie. To a fault it seemed. Because she seemed to not really give a shit about him, and he was always going on and on about how lucky he was to be with her and how beautiful she is and on and on.

Still, I guess I really am an attention whore deep down inside and I must have sent off a vibe or something.

At Friday’s happy hour, in front of a bunch of co-workers, Suzie informed the crowd that her soon-to-be ex-husband wants to fuck me…that he thinks I’m hot. Oh my god, if there was ever a time when I wanted to slide under a table and just slither away, it was then. Aaacckkk. It was horribly uncomfortable, and I know she sensed my discomfort, so we both tried to play it off, and by the end of the evening we’d done shots together and made plans to go out and get rowdy together like old times on business trips. Oh she is a wild one.

But damn. That was strange, and I couldn’t tell if she was pissed off at me or just hurt that her husband would actually tell her that. But then again, I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know if he knows about her affair(s).

And not that I would ever even really consider fucking him, I’m almost embarrassed to say that her little announcement was a bizarre stroke to my ego.

Why am I like that?

In similar news, Lovely, Scott and I ended up at the same venue last night. A friend of mine turned 40, and her party was at this great little bar that I’d introduced Lovely and the gang to a couple of weekends ago. Scott pretty much invited himself, which was fine. And then Lovely did the same.

I knew to expect them later. So I enjoyed the hell out of the time before they got there. Sheer greatness. The birthday girl was a hoot! So many people showed up! My friend Jen, who moved to Vegas a couple of months ago, flew in. I love her so much. She makes me laugh till I pee. The night felt like magic!

And Alan was there. He’s a guy who tries to get me to go out with him every time I see him. Nice. Just a bit goofy. Big lug. Sweet as sugar. Started in as soon as I walked in the place. I like him. Just not as anything other than one of my goofball friends who buys me beer and boosts my ego. I don’t even think he would really like me if we were to actually date. It’s just the fact that I say no every time that kills him and keeps him trying!

And there were so many other fun teases happening! I felt so “on”. The bartenders there rock. And they’re simply scrumptious. The party coordinators had gotten two DJs who were spinning truly obscure 80s and really early 90s stuff that just rocked ass. Met some super-tall bespectacled cutie. Cool. Wanted to dance. We hit it hard. Too funny. He had issues, though. Had his ex-wife’s name tattooed across his wrist. Seemed to get a little too emotional when I asked him about it. Moved on to more fun…I think I danced with everyone there—including the DJs and the bartenders!

I was almost wishing that Scott and Lovely had decided not to show up. Because I didn’t want the mess. I didn’t want to talk about threesomes or hurt feelings or jealousy or anything of the sort. I just wanted to sit outside, soak in the vibes, meet new people, hang with old buddies, laugh, joke, smoke [cringe], enjoy.

But they did show up. Scott first. Wow. Animal magnetism took over. He has this way of making me melt. And he’s so cute because he just swoons. And it kills him! He said he’s never like that! That I just DO something to him. He just gets googly-eyed. And it’s sooooo darling. We were thisclosetokissing when Lovely walked up, looking gorgeous as ever, smacking me on the ass and asking what was going on.

We all hung out for a while, but Scott and I somehow managed to end up talking exclusively several times during the evening. We didn’t do it purposely, it just ended up that way. Naturally. Easily. Unfortunately, every time I looked around for Lovely….she was looking at US! Shit. Finally, she walked right up to us and asked, “What’s going on over here.”

And then walked away without waiting for an answer.

And Scott got pissed. And said that it’s not fair. That she’s being completely unreasonable about the whole situation. Because she’s had her chance. That things got screwy between them for several reasons, but that she’s paid him NO attention for over a YEAR! But now that he’s showing interest in me, all of a sudden she’s having a problem with it!

I can tell that he’s really worried about their friendship. But I can also tell that he really wants to go out with me.

And in all honesty, I don’t really know how I feel about the whole thing. I’ve got so much other crap sloshing around my brain right now. I just don’t have the energy to deal with it all.

What I would really, really, really, really love is a roll in the sack with Scott, though. One that involves lots of lovey-dovey talk and stroking of….what else?

My ego.