Cant believe how fast my days zip by now. Im not sure how this happened, but I seem to be just filling my days and nights full of .stuff. It sometimes feels like I dont have any belly-button contemplating time (which is important to me cant stand fuzz build-up!).
I started an entry yesterday that I havent had a chance to finish. Im pulling a lot of stuff out of my past for the entry and seems like once I started writing, a whole flood of memories came pouring out. Looks like its gonna be a multiple entry. I hope to finish it in the next day or so. If I can find the time!
Lately, I feel like changes are taking place inside me. I know Ive said this before, only to have nothing significant happen. But something is going on. Or at least shifting. I wish I could put my finger on it when I get this feeling. It feels like a puzzle that Im supposed to figure out. But I always seem to get sidetracked before I find the solution. Im sure this means that a little soul searching is needed. Maybe Im just afraid to really take a good hard look at myself and make myself a plan. Is it because Im afraid of failing? Doing the wrong thing? In all honesty, I think (no, I know) that NOT doing anything is the wrong thing to do. I just wish I could find an obvious sign. Something that would point me in a certain direction. Maybe then I could take it from there.
I know this is going to sound awful, but I dont really like my friends. Wow. Was that harsh? Well, except for Best Bud. But she lives in another city. Its a four-hour drive, and frankly, I hate the city where she lives. Its an ugly, humid, nasty city with terrible traffic and no scenery or natural landmarks. I know its terrible, but Ive only visited her once after she moved and was so stressed by the time I got there, and felt like we didnt have enough time to share together.
So what I have here are my party girls. And yes, theyre a lot of fun to party with and theyre beautiful and attract a lot of attention, I feel as though these friendships are lacking some substance. These women are all very selfish and it never seems to bother them that they are habitually late and rarely follow through with plans. I find myself annoyed quite often when plans have been made to do something at 8:00, only to actually meet up at 11:30!! So what do I do during those 3 ½ hours while Im waiting and waiting and waiting? I stew and then fume and pace the floor and stew some more! No courtesy call to tell me that they are running late until its really late!!
This is my fault, I know. These are the friends that I chose. But I have found myself starting to do the same thing. And I dont like it. So over the weekend, I did the all-too-common avoidance thing. And that doesnt make me feel any better. In fact, it only compounds the loneliness and reinforces the thought that Im actually very hard to please and utterly selfish. Eeecchhh!! So now Im perpetuating the self-loathing.
What a vicious cycle.
I treated myself to a whole lot of retail therapy over the weekend. I am still basking in the glow of having pretty new skirts and sexy, strappy new shoes and new skin products and darling little jammie pants and lacy underthingies and new workout stuff and luxurious, crisp new sheets and FOOD IN THE FRIDGE!! Whoopee!! Im not sure what came over me, but once I started shopping (Friday night), I didnt stop until Sunday evening! Well, I did have a visit from my parents on Saturday and gave them both a bunch of loot that Id gotten on Friday. They were happy. It made me feel good. Of course, they tried to pay me. I had to refuse several times. Love them.
Honestly, I did have a lovely weekend, and it worries me a little because I was such a social recluse. I just didnt feel like hanging out with anyone. I shopped exactly where I wanted, rode my bike when I wanted, ate whatever and whenever I wanted, slept, woke, and got around to doing things at my own pace. I swear, I have it made.
But of course, something is missing and I feel like Im just not quite complete.
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