Luna is right (see notes on previous entry). And most of you other noters have been too. And I know it. Clarity is what I need. I just need to figure out what it is that I want. And then I need to actually do something about it.
I think I was feeling very desperate when I went to see LDL. I just wanted to spend some time with a man who knows me inside and out. A man who I am comfortable with. One whos comfortable with me. A man whos not such a total mystery like the guys Ive been meeting lately.
And thats what I got. And it felt so good to be with him because it was such a relief not to go through those painful introductions and possible let downs and awkward nice-to-meet-yous and then the sometimes embarrassing getting-to-know-yous. With LDL, it was easy and a sure thing. Hes seen me at my best, my worst and my everything in between. I didnt have to work too hard to impress. I know what he likes and I know how to give it to him. It made me feel so good to please him. In turn, I got the same pleasure.
Perfect for a short visit. But I do know that he was, is, and always would be a source of severe emotional pain if I let him.
Again, I need to go back to clarity. What do I really want? How do I get it? More on that later .maybe a list?
I have grown weary of the internet dating thing. I dont think its for me. I always either get or send the wrong impression through the whole e-mail process. Doesnt matter if photos are sent back and forth. If the chemistrys not there upon meeting, its never ever gonna be there. Ive even tried to force it. Doesnt work.
Ive said it before and Ill say it again: Im a firm believer in chemistry. I seriously think that pheromones or .something whatever .has a LOT to do with whether or not you connect with someone. I realize that Im attracted to a particular type. And by type, I dont necessarily mean a look, height, or even personality necessarily. I cant quite put my finger on it. I cant really describe it. Its just something that hits me.
Whatever.
It seems to have happened now with Super T. We spent a good deal of the weekend together, and Im so incredibly attracted to him. I have no idea if this is going anywhere, but Im certainly enjoying the ride. Doesnt hurt that hes adorably, amazingly handsome. And hes sharp and witty in a way thats not intimidating whatsoever. Sweet and polite doesnt hurt either. Oh, and lets not even get into the sex appeal the guy oozes.
I just have to watch myself. I can feel myself getting a little gushy about him and hes caught me with a puppy dog look in my eye more than once in the past few days. I dont need to get myself all worked up over him. Especially if I end up moving sometime soon.
And of course, Ive got this silly little fantasy all worked up in my goofy little red head.
Probably should wait until I get a job offer, eh?
Damn. I plan my life like I play chess. I try to think so many moves ahead that I screw up the moves in between. Of course, the end goal is checkmate, but Im too busy worrying about stupid little pawns. And where I think my opponent is going to move.
I need to worry about myself and figure out my immediate moves. I know I can get the rest to fall into place. One move at a time with my eye on the end goal. Right.
A list is definitely in order—soon!
I have a feeling that work is going to blow the big one tomorrow. Mr. Peepers is getting increasingly unhappy with the situation at work. Especially with Big Boss. I just wonder how long hes gonna last. Its gotten to the point where he looks at me and asks how I have managed to stay with the company for over six years.
And although hes gotten so much better with me and now divulges certain information, I still dont trust him.
Oh yeah, and I almost forgot! Big Boss has added yet another person to her staff! Another friggin layer that I have to go through to do my job. And its my responsibility that everything gets done on time ..including the stuff that this guy is going to be doing!! So if hes a screw-up, it still falls on my shoulders!!
I SO need out!!
Im really focusing my positive mental energy towards the job I interviewed for last week.
And dont forget: Im going to Miami on Friday!! A little South Beach action with Best Bud might be just what the doctor ordered! A little salsa, a little shimmy, and a little shake might just do the trick.
I need to get my priorities in order. I need to start living my life and stop letting certain aspects of my life (Fear? Anxiety? Laziness?) keep me from achieving goals!
Time to shake things up! Time to make my list!
Now .if I could only find my pencil and paper.
Loading comments...