For the record, I did not laugh at H.O. when he pulled out his weenie during his recent visit to my apartment. No. NO! That would have been rude! I had more of a what-the?? look on my face. Come on, people! You don’t whip your dick out in the middle of a getting-to-know-you kissing session! That’s rude!! I invited you up (whoops no…he invited himself!), not your little buddy. If I’d wanted to meet Mr. Johnson, I’d have extended a welcome to him as well. But I did not.
And yes, I realize that he was just trying to move things along. But damn! I would have gotten there. Eventually. Maybe. When I decided that I was ready. Why’d he have to go pushing (or pulling in this case) so quickly?
Oh the pushing. That’s one of my biggest peeves. I can’t stand it when a guy starts pushing, pushing, pushing. What he doesn’t realize is (for me), the harder he pushes, the more I will resist. The more pressure, the less likelihood that anything will ever happen. The more he pulls it out and swings it around, thinking that its a big turn-on, the less interested I become.
I don’t know why that is. But it is what it is. And I guess it’s just one more quirk that makes me “difficult”.
Fine. If he wants to think that I’m less interested in sex, then so be it. He can go exposing himself to every girl in town all he wants and see how far it gets him. If that bait of his actually gets the fish, then I say go for it. Just stop waving it around in my face, cuz I ain’t bitin’. And what’s to say he hasn’t already dipped it in every pond in this city anyway?
Whatever. Who cares? Why am I going on and on about it? I guess it really did hurt my feelings a little bit. I don’t know why I expected something else from this guy. After all, we met in a bar. I was drunk. I approached him. I was pretty aggressive. The second time we met I got drunk again and pretty much went along with everything. And “everything” did get quite steamy. I obviously sent the poor guy very mixed signals.
Okay. Writing this down makes me see this in a bit of a different light.
Wow. Hm. I feel a bit awkward now. Or really, kinda like a jerk. Damn. I have issues. Yeah, what’s new?
Oh well. Not much I can do now but just suck up and get over it and move on.
Moving on. That’s really what I intended this entry to be about. Moving on and not looking back.
Ive been feeling just a tad out of sorts lately. Feeling a bit bluesy and wondering if I made the right move by packing myself up and moving to a strange and foreign place where I dont know anyone.
Of course, I know I did. I just feel the need to remind myself over and over and over and over again. I knew this feeling would come. I expected it. Its happening, and I guess its fine .so I need to stop thinking that I need to feel complete at this very moment. I need to stop wondering why I dont quite feel at home yet. I need to stop thinking that I should know all the cool places already and be connected to people and have some kind of a life.
But most of all, I must stop looking back at the life I left behind and wondering what might have been. Because I was unhappy there. My job was bringing me way down. I didnt feel complete, nor did I feel quite at home there either, remember?? And with as many friends and lovers as I had there, I didnt feel completely connected to any one particular person there either .see?
So. Obviously feeling complete has nothing to do with my location. It has nothing to do with the fact that Im not out with a guy or a gaggle of girlfriends every night. It has nothing to do with my new apartment (although the fact that I still need furniture and window coverings and there are still a few boxes to unpack is making me crazy).
And I have no reason to look back at the places and faces I left behind with regret or longing or sadness. I had many, many experiences there. Some fabulous, some boring, some downright bizarre.
But Im not missing out. No Im not. I have a fresh new slate here (well okay .with the exception of one hot orthodontist). I have everything to look forward to! What an awesome opportunity!!
I left Dallas behind for a reason. And Ill go back and Ill visit and Ill see my family and possibly Super T and other friends. I dont have to let all that go. But I dont have to pine for a love thats not gonna happen .probably even if I was still there. And I dont have to waste another night waiting for that loser group of girls to call me and tell me that theyre running three hours late only to blow me off again.
Im not homesick. Dallas was never home to me. Ive moved too many times all over this big country to know that it wasnt quite where I belonged. But it became familiar and it became easy and second nature. Moving here has been a challenge. Everything is new. But thats whats so great about it! Sure I can look back and compare notes. In fact, I should be using the mistakes from the past and using them as lessons (psshttt will I ever learn??).
But my past life is just that. My past. And I only have the future to look forward to.
No more looking back.
[Except maybe to do one of those quote entries recapping the past year .]
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